A Different Nelson’ s Column

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What If Nelson Missed The Battle of Trafalgar to Attend A Disability Benefits Tribunal?

It has emerged via The Omphalos that Nelson’s Column in the wake of the great Naval admiral missing Trafalgar due to attending a Disability Benefits Tribunal would’ve had a rather detrimental impact upon London.

When Nelson’s Column in Trafalgar Square was completed in 1843, the only Nelson deemed famous enough to occupy the elongated plinth, in light of Horatio Nelson missing the opportunity to acquire hero status through missing The Battle of Trafalgar, would be the town of Nelson in Lancashire. Rather inconveniently, the town of Nelson measures nearly two square miles, and just as the statue of Nelson atop the column presently is bigger than the real person it replicates, so its substitute, the town of Nelson, would appear outsized. Thus, from 1843, a fair chunk of London would be permanently under darkness, causing the following circumstances:

The Post Office Towers

Now in three separate pieces owing to the height restriction imposed due to Nelson’s Column.

Scotland Yard

No longer the iconic building associated with fighting crime, as very little now gets solved there with detectives always being kept in the dark.

10 Downing Street

It becomes the prerequisite of successive Prime Ministers from 1843 onwards not to have a sunny disposition, because they can no longer inform voters that brighter days are just around the corner as they would need to be several miles away for such a statement to prove accurate.


The notorious area where Jack The Ripper butchered at least five victims in 1888 would become the location of many more of his atrocities due to the constant darkness enabling him to put in a day shift.

Lord’s Cricket Ground

Before 1843 this was the home of cricket. Post Nelson’s Column it is now only the base for cricket umpires to test out their light meters.

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