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2020-07-28 18.52.39


What If King John Got His Agent To Look Over The Magna Carta Before Signing It?

Professor Cairns Robertson, formerly head of the History Department at Lancaster University has lent the History Maintenance Commission his valued opinion in the debate as to whether King John would have signed the Magna Carta in 1215 had a reputable agent given it a good look over first, writes Duane Fulsome Hysterical News Agency Correspondent in Blackburn, Lancashire, UK.

‘It’s pretty obvious,’ Robertson opined, ‘that King John was mugged. He was the victim of a stitch up. But his mind was most definitely swayed by the mediaeval Kings of England done thing to absolutely hate football because it interferred with archery practice etc.’

Robertson cited seven clauses he thinks are badly slanted against King John but that he endorsed because he assumed it would be bad for football.

‘Pound to a penny,’ Robertson continued, ‘King John had soothsayers and fortune tellers who advised him that football would become ever more popular. Yes, he was sewn up like a kipper with the powers he yielded in Magna Carta, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that if an agent would have looked over it first that he wouldn’t then have signed it. I think my research and the conclusions provided are testament to that. But all good speed to The History Maintenance Commission in examining fully the Magna Carta issue, because if it were no longer to exist then the knock on effects will be absolutely seismic! I am just providing a bit of hope that King John might not necessarily listen to an agent even if some meddling time travelling interference merchant did suggest it to him.’


  • No free man shall be seized or imprisoned, or stripped of his rights or possessions, or outlawed or exiled, or deprived of his standing in any way (clause 39).  This deprives King John of all the fun of being a King but he seems to have endorsed it due to the last part which he thinks will prevent the spread of all seater football stadia.
  • As soon as peace is restored, we will remove from the kingdom all the foreign knights, marksmen, bowmen and their attendants (clause 51). This depletes King John of his army of foreign mercenaries, but he seems to think it a worthy sacrifice as he thinks it will also mean that Arsenal won’t be able to sign Thierry Henry in 1999.
  • No Sheriff, nor any royal official, or other person shall take horses or carts for transport from any free man, without his consent (clause 30). You would have thought having deprived King John of this that in return they would’ve at least offered him a free bus pass? However, the King here appears to be of the opinion if he, or his royal descendants, cannot buy cart horses for transport there will be more of them available to play in the English game and lower the standards and thus the popularity of the sport.
  • Neither we or any royal officer will take wood for our castle, or for any other purpose, from any free man (clause 31). The King here seems intent on making it as difficult as possible for anyone from Reading FC (The Royals) to obtain the necessary materials to construct a stadium.
  • All forests that have been created in our reign shall at once be disaforested (clause 47). King John’s conscientious attempts at offsetting his carbon footprint being totally thwarted here, but he doesn’t seem to care believing instead it will thwart Brian Clough’s chance to create glory at a now non existing Nottingham Forest.
  • No town or person shall be forced to build bridges over rivers except those with an ancient obligation to do so (clause 23). King John obviously allowed this unfavourable clause as he hoped it would scupper all interest in the Severnside Derby between Cardiff City and Bristol City if there was no Severn Bridge to bring them closer.
  • First, that we have granted to God, and by this present charter have confirmed for us and all our heirs in perpetuity, that the English Church shall be free (clause 1).  This is a cynical attempt by King John to provide stiff, and he thinks unfair competition on a Sunday to football as he knows that far from being free Tottenham Hotspurs v Chelsea will be about sixty quid a ticket.

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