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A list of how the top tourist sites in Britain would look if Horatio Nelson had missed the Battle of Trafalgar to undergo a Health Benefits Assessment Tribunal.

It means, of course, such staples we are used to today such as Trafalgar Square with Nelson’s Column and his flagship HMS Victory here in Portsmouth would be missing. It takes for granted that without Nelson’s presence the Battle of Trafalgar would have been lost to Napoleon’s forces.


1. The Tower of London

Open 7 days a week 9am-6pm, except public holidays. Special entrance hours for traitors (basically anyone calling Napoleon a short fat arsed Froggy Bastard): Midnight-3am.

Located in London.

2. Stonehenge

Open all year round – mainly because the Druids failed to get planning permission to build a roof in 248 BC.

Located in Wiltshire.

3. The Richard III Centre

Museum dedicated to the King associated with the murders of the young Princes in the Tower in 1483. Open Mon-Sat 9am-6pm. Creche currently unavailable while these accusations are investigated.

Located in York.

4. The Burke & Hare Theme Park

Dedicated to the lives of the infamous graverobbers. Open during daylight hours, closed during the hours of darkness as replenishing stock.

Located in Edinburgh.

5. The Royal Leech Ponds

Open daily, except public holidays, on the site of the old Windsor Castle frequented by the British royal family until Napoleon dispensed with them. Visit the breeding pools, 9 am – 5.30 pm, where you’ll see that the great American Showman P.T. Barnum was correct when he stated that there’s a sucker born every minute.

Located in Windsor.

6. Pego Land

Open daily, except Bank Holidays, 8 am – 4.30 pm. Living museum experience telling the story of the many naive British sailors who lost limbs and had them replaced by blocks of wood in their futile attempts to repell Napoleon’s invasion. Head Chef of the restaurant on site is Long John Silver.

Located in Bristol.

7. HMS Victory 

Opening hours by private arrangement, in other instances at your convenience. Visit the warship blasted to pieces by Napoleon’s forces in the rout of the British navy at Trafalgar.

Located in:

The bottom of the English Channel.

The Renshaw’s back garden in Ipswich (part of the hull forms the bench on view).

The Lattimore’s front room in Aberdeen (deck fragments used for shelving).

Also the shed in the Smith’s garden in Clapham, London, Mr Taylor’s cigar box in Carlisle, Mrs Knotchbull’s fence in St. Ives, the frame around a portrait of Napoleon on display at Bonaparte Palace, London, the TV stand in the Roper’s home in Newcastle….. Plus 158 other locations, list available upon application.

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