Robert The Bruce

WHAT IF ROBERT THE BRUCE SUFFERED FROM ARACHNOPHOBIA?

SECURITY DEPARTMENT of The History Maintenance Commission SUBMISSION to THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT:

What if Robert The Bruce suffered from arachnophobia?

Fellow Commissioners

If Robert The Bruce becomes arachnophobic the legendary incident when the soon to be King of Scotland Robert The Bruce was on the run from English forces after defeat at the Battle of Methven in 1305 and took refuge in a barn, would never happen. For it was there that he famously watched a spider try to connect the web it was spinning between two rafters. Having failed twice the arachnid triumphed on the third attempt. This inspired The Bruce to not submit to the English and try yet again to win Scottish independence, it was at an opportune moment as he was seriously contemplating packing it all in and opening up a sports goods shop in Stirling. Fuelled by the spider’s tenacity he led Scottish forces to an historic win over the much larger English army at the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314 that all but confirmed an independent Scotland.

There’s also the very distinct possibility that without Robert The Bruce’s experience to call upon, the Scottish National Party leader would have given up after defeat in the first referendum as due to the progress made by modern architecture, wooden beams are rarely a feature of modern house design and that allied to her diligence with housekeeping somewhat reduce the capacity of a spider to operate unhindered and at the same time convey inspirational messages.’

Of far greater import appears to be the probability that with the Scottish king not cornering the market in deciphering mantras delivered by insect types this dubious field will be open to interpretation by various historical figures post 1305. For instance, Abraham Lincoln could have observed a moth and its attraction to sources of light in April 1865 and as a result decide not to attend Ford’s Theatre, Washington the following night in favour of making his way to see the Blackpool Illuminations, thus missing his assassination. While Herbert Jones, the jockey of Amner the horse owned by King George V, could view the actions of a flea on the night of June 3, 1913 and as a consequence decide that instead of mounting Amner the following afternoon and attempt to ride it to glory in the Epsom Derby he would jump on it instead, invite his family to do likewise then bite and generally cause a nuisance to the poor horse. Thus denying the suffragette Emily Davison the opportunity to put herself in the path of the galloping horse and provide the movement for women’s suffrage with its most famous martyr.

We humbly suggest The Research Department accept this case.

Categories: Robert The Bruce

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