THE OMPHALOS RESULTS
Why has a pigeon suddenly appeared in the 1881 team picture of the FA Cup winners The Old Carthusians when previously it was absent?
1st Possibility (37% Probabilty)
Horatio Nelson is no longer celebrated enough to have his statue on a column in Trafalgar Square, London.
With no statues present in Trafalgar Square the major gathering point for pigeons in the capital will be lost and the feathered visitors dispersed. Thus, it stands to reason that the pigeon in the Old Carthusians photograph had never put in an appearance previously because it had been otherwise engaged at Trafalgar Square. Therefore, Horatio Nelson has been demoted from his rank of Britain’s greatest maritime hero to explain the pigeon’s appearance in a photograph taken in Godalming in the neighbouring county of Surrey.
In collaboration with BetNYC$ here are the current odds to explain why Horatio Nelson might no longer be famous:
3-1 – He missed the Battle of Trafalgar to attend a disability benefits tribunal.
7-1 – He started to like French people.
10-1 – Instead of joining the Navy aged 12, Nelson signs forms for Burnham Thorpe Under 13s soccer team. As they’d lost their previous match 18-0 he could see that their defence, at least, was all at sea.
25-1 – At the Battle of Santa Cruz de Tenerife in 1797, in which Nelson is wounded and loses his arm, the ship’s surgeon tells him that his arm is actually fine, it’s the rest of him that needs to be amputated.
50-1- Nelson is given a lucky charm to wear to protect him from sustaining further bullet wounds by his lover Lady Hamilton. Unfortunately, it’s 6 feet by 4 feet and made of solid brass and the first day he wears it he sinks off the coast of Spain.
100-1 – The council in Portsmouth demand to display HMS Victory before Trafalgar as due to Government cutbacks they can no longer employ workers to patch up any damage caused in battle.
250-1- They build the Channel Tunnel 200 years early.
2nd Possibility (34% Probabilty)
Alexander Graham Bell no longer invents the telephone in 1876. Therefore, one of The Old Carthusians players doesn’t receive a phone call prior to the photograph being taken as did originally, but is the recipient of a message delivered by pigeon instead.
BetNYC$ odds on reasons Alexander Graham-Bell no longer invents the telephone:
3-1 – When he makes the first phone call he receives an engaged tone and thinks that someone has beaten him to it.
6-1 – Western Union arrange to have Graham-Bell disconnected….they hire a gang to remove his head and limbs and dump him in a river for fear his proposed invention will destroy the telegraph business.
10-1 – Alexander Graham-Bell realizes that once he invents the phone his will be the only number listed in the Ontario Telephone Directory for 1876 and he will be bombarded with telemarketing, scam calls and appeals for money so goes off the idea.
15-1 – Graham-Bell tries to invent the mobile phone before the static landline but loses heart when the wheels keep developing punctures.
20-1 – Alexander Graham-Bell has the misfortune to make his first phone call to a British Government Agency in 1876. He is told to please continue to hold as his call is important to them. By 1882 he surrenders all hope it will ever be answered by a human voice.
3rd Possibility (18% Probabilty)
Florence Nightingale does not pioneer modern nursing and public health reforms so people do not live twenty years longer and the pigeon appears in the picture because the person who shot him three weeks earlier is no longer around to fire the gun in its direction.
Bet NYC$ current odds on why Florence Nightingale will no longer be famous:
5-1 – To preserve army uniforms Florence Nightingale is barred from using her lamp in the Crimea in case it attracts Moths.
15-2 – Instead of sending nurses to the Crimean War the British Government send leaches instead. This is bad news for the Chancellor of the Exchequer who is infamous for his expenses claims.
10-1 – Florence Nightingale fails all her nursing exams, this is particularly upsetting for her as she’s the one setting them.
20-1 – Satan calls Florence before God gets his opportunity and advises her to go X-Directory.
25-1 – The Government forcibly acquisitions her lamp as they consider it unfair competition for the Blackpool Illuminations.
50-1 – Miss Nightingale cannot get any jobs in the medical profession as they associate her name with being a whistle-blower.
100-1 – Florence isn’t born in Florence, Italy but in Mount Mee, Australia instead. As a result she spends most of her adult life fending off offers from taxidermists.
500-1- Florence becomes pregnant and so becomes known as the Lady with the Lump instead.
4th Possibility (10% Probabilty)
Jack The Ripper doesn’t become a serial killer in 1888. Sadistic murderers are known to start on animals first so the pigeon now appears in the 1881 photograph as it is no longer a victim of The Ripper’s early experiments in killing.
BetNYC$ current odds on why Jack The Ripper will no longer be infamous:
3-1 – He undertakes a First-Aid course in the Fall of 1888.
8-1 – JML refuse to sharpen any more of his knives.
10-1 – In the mid-1850s he is convicted for kerb-crawling and sentenced to 75 years hard labour. The judge refuses to take into consideration that he is only 6 months old at the time of the offence.
18-1 – He obtains good careers advice and realises he can butcher people without his victims having redress to the law by becoming a cosmetic surgeon.
400,000-1 – Queen Victoria relocates her second home from Balmoral in Scotland to Whitechapel in London greatly increasing police and security presence in the area. Street workers no longer selling their bodies but Union Jacks and model Grenadier Guards instead.
450,000-1 – The greatest fast bowler of the age Fred Spofforth aka Spofforth The Demon, strikes the Ripper with a 97mph bouncer in a charity cricket match. Jack is thus incapacitated by an STD.
5th + Possibilities (Adding up to 1% Probabilty)
Including that the pigeon, an army messenger, did actually appear in the original photograph in camouflage, the army having first introduced khaki uniforms in India in 1848. However, something has now prevented the British Army introducing camouflage hence in 1881 the pigeon can now be seen.
Another miniscule possibility is that someone from the future has a beef about the amount of Soccer Clubs who have birds as a nickname such as eagles, robins, seagulls, owls, bluebirds etc, but none have plumped for pigeons. The person with the gripe has encouraged a pigeon to deviate from his path to appear in the Cup holder’s picture to give them food for thought.