Part 13: GUY FAWKES RECEIVES THE OMPHALOS TREATMENT

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Omphalos Computer Programme, NYC, Guy Fawkes results.

Potted History

1570

On13 April Guy Fawkes is born in York, England. His parents complain angrily to the midwife about her lack of enthusiasm and empathy for the excitement the new arrival had brought the Fawkes family. ‘It was just another kid being born,’ she retorts. ‘No need for all the bloody fireworks.’

1574

Young Guy Fawkes is warned to keep away from bonfires.

1577

Guy is surly and unfriendly on his first day at St.Peter’s School in York. So the unimpressed Headmaster gives him a rocket.

1578

Jewellery thieves bring their haul to Guy Fawkes as he is an expert on sparklers.

1591-98

Guy sells the estate he inherits from his father and travels on the continent as a Catholic mercenary. He fights for Catholic Spain and then France. But complains about the French King Henry IV. When the monarch gets to hear of this he exclaims, ‘Guy Fawkes, what does he know about sitting in a hotseat?’

1602

Guy changes his name to Guido Fawkes by Deed Poll. But then shortens it to just Guido Fawkes.

1603

Guido helps people from abroad jump queues for operations in England to remove troublesome appendages. He simply advises them to simply say upon arrival in Dover that they’re practicing Catholic conspirators and the authorities will remove quite a few appendages by cauterization for free.

1604

Guido Fawkes returns to England and becomes involved with a group of Catholics, led by Robert Catesby, who plan to assassinate the new Protestant King James I.

1605

By July 20th the conspirators have placed 36 barrels of gunpowder in a room under Parliament.

On July 28th the threat of plague delays Parliament’s opening, in the King’s presence, until November 5th. Fawkes and his Catholic rebels worry because the Sell By Date for the gunpowder is August 20th, so they consider returning it all for a refund before it goes off.

On October 26th, the Catholic Lord Monteagle receives a letter warning him in couched language that it might be advisable to ‘staye away from Parliemente, staye on your sofa in a place of safti for they shall receive a terrible blowe’ (the couched bit was the reference to the sofa).

Parliament is searched. In the early hours of November 5th Guy Fawkes is discovered in position with the gunpowder. Fawkes reveals his true identity on the rack, wishing he hadn’t left his carriage driving licence at home as it would have been much easier.

November 8th – Fawkes gives up the names of all his fellow conspirators on the rack.

November 9th – Fawkes implicates the Pope on the rack.

November 10th – Fawkes is just about to reveal what will happen in all the soaps over Christmas when it is decided to remove him from the rack as his torturers don’t want to spoil their festive viewing.

1606

On 27th January the Guy Fawkes Trial begins. The judge rules as inadmissible the defence’s contention that Guy’s confession was obtained by his ‘Sinews being stretched upon the rack’. But the jury probably guess this is the case anyway because he is now13 foot 7 inches tall. Guy and his fellow defendants are found guilty and sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered. Although, Fawkes’ sentence was reduced, upon appeal, to being hung, drawn and halved.

Weeks after his barbaric execution Parliament designates each November 5th as a national day of thanksgiving, celebrated with bonfires, fireworks and an effigy of Guy Fawkes to top the fire.

It also becomes a custom for children to make Guy Fawkes effigies and charge people a penny to recompense them for their efforts.

In Part 14: ANARCHY IN A WORLD WITHOUT PENNY FOR THE GUY

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