13. The Sibyl @ Delphi Verdict On Life Without Jack The Ripper: ‘There’d Be 1,378,564 MORE TREES’.

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Crufts would encounter more difficulties

The Sibyl @ Delphi has provided us with a gloomy forecast regarding what life would be like in a world without Jack The Ripper.

‘There’d be an extra 1,378,564 more trees,’ she proclaimed before explaining that over150 non-fiction books have been published on Jack The Ripper, mainly speculating about his true identity. She then provided an apocalyptic catalogue of where these extra trees would appear, all located in the UK.

PROBABLE LOCATIONS FOR SOME OF THE EXTRA 1,378,564 TREES IN A WORLD WITHOUT JACK THE RIPPER ACCORDING TO THE SIBYL @ DELPHI:

  1. Crufts Dog Show – initially at The Royal Agricultural Hall, Islington, later at Olympia. Extra trees there will dog the annual event. In the world as we know it presently the show lasts four days, but in a Ripperless world with all the extra trees it will last four years with each entry feeling obliged to sniff and christen each tree. Olympia will also feel compelled to stage The Horse Chestnut of the Year Show.
  2. Ballrooms – we feel ballrooms, previously unencumbered by trees, will become a likely location for some of the extra woodland growth. This is likely to stump the progress of those learning to dance, particularly the waltz. For instead it will be a case of learning a ‘One, Two…Tree,’ beat instead.
  3. Doctors Surgeries – A visit to the Medical Centre will be fraught with difficulty in a Ripperless world as the location of the patient’s seat is more likely to be occupied by a tree. Far more cases of Limes Disease will be thus diagnosed and patients will be referred for sap tests and be given sycamore notes.
  4. Public Houses – Many of the extra trees are likely to be found in pubs. This will make it very risky ordering drinks or food within the hostelry as simply saying the popular, ‘I will have whatever you are having,’ could easily be mistaken for a request to experience whatever The Yew Tree has. This will be most unfortunate if it is currently infested with termites. Time will also be greatly consumed by trees ordering sections of themselves to be examined to prove to the publican that they have more than 18 rings.
  5. Cinemas – A plethora of big screens throughout the UK will be blighted by the presence of a tree in the auditorium blocking the view, for patrons, of the middle chunk of the picture. Thus Ben Hur will attract trainspotters due to being renamed BR, while E.T. The Extraterrestrial will be of great interest to the legal fraternity who will queue for miles to obtain tickets to the first prosecution of an alien in E.T. The Trial.

The Sibyl also stated that the film director renowned for suspense Alfred Hitchcock would no longer be famous because his first successful film The Lodger 1927, featured a Jack The Ripper style serial killer.

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