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We regretfully announce that the winner of our competition to visit Lord Nelson on what was intended to be his last night in England before embarking for glory at Trafalgar in 1805 has let The History Maintenance Commission and more importantly, humanity down by transgressing the strict rules we apply.

We make no apologies for naming and shaming the individual concerned it’s Igin Rubber Products millionaire Yannick Igin. He offers his profuse apologies and accepts that Igin Rubber Products will inevitably take a hit on the stock exchange when details of his indiscretion are revealed.

‘It was lovely meeting Horris,’ Igin explained. ‘The fact he asked me to call him that instead of Horatio brought a lump to my throat. Well that and the apple core that was left in the cider I ordered at The Bear Hotel. We got along famously. Nelson is a really approachable guy. Except if you happen to be French, his countenance took on a gloomy aspect whenever they were mentioned.’

Yannick Igin has diversified with his business by developing rubber products for those with disabilities and as the evening in the exalted admiral’s company went on so his tongue appears to have loosened and his concern for Nelson’s problems intensified.

‘I genuinely felt sorry for the bloke,’ he continued. ‘He could only see out of one eye and he had to do everything from greeting well wishers, signing autographs and raising tankards with his only remaining hand and arm. It struck me, not his arm that was overworked as it was, that Nelson had done so much for our nation, for people he didn’t even know, yet nobody had ever done anything for him. So I told him that I had applied for some benefits for him and his Disability Benefits Tribunal would be held in London on October 21st. Of course, I simply forgot that was the same day as the Battle of Trafalgar. It’s an easy mistake to make. He seemed very interested. I said that as far as disability rights was concerned if he championed that cause with the same fervour he displayed in preventing French people accessing these shores then Britain would lead the world in compassion and care for all regardless of their limitations.’

So there you have it. Someone the HMC invested trust in has badly let us and potentially everyone down. If Nelson fails to turn up at the Battle of Trafalgar so he can attend a disability benefits tribunal it could have dire consequences for humanity. We give you our solemn promise to be on full alert for any signs that Nelson has missed his date with death and destiny at Trafalgar and we will act accordingly to limit the impact of any repercussions of not having Nelson in our history as we currently know him and also we will use all the considerable resources we have at our disposal to rectify the problem and restore the great naval hero to his honorary plinth.

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