21. The Charge of the Light Brigade

UN SECURITY COUNCIL CLASSIFIED INFORMATION

In a raid carried out at (Redacted) Hall, Surrey the original manuscript of Alfred Lord Tennyson’s masterly poem The Charge of the Light Brigade was seized by armed agents after rumours stared surfacing and brought to the War Rooms to be studied for any changes. What we found was grave and strongly indicates that Florence Nightingale has deviated from the path history had in store for her and instead of going to the Crimea to nurse wounded soldiers she has now gone there to further establish her wheel clamping business instead, descending, with her army of clampers, upon the 4th and 13th Light Dragoons, the 17th Lancers and the 8th and 11th Hussars with her wooden clamps. The good Lord’s poem now reads thus:

The Charge of the Light Brigade (which I believe to be six guineas, but only three guineas if paid within two weeks of receiving the notice)

By Alfred, Lord Tennyson 

1

Half a log, half a log,

Half a log longward,

All in the valley of Wealth

To immobilise the six hundred.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!

“Charge extra for the guns!” she said:

Into the Valley of Wealth

To immobilise the six hundred.

2

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”

Six hundred men dismay’d?

Reluctantly, the victims knew

Florence had plunder’d

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to shackle apply:

Into the Valley of Wealth

To immobilise the six hundred.

3

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

To shackle and thus plunder:

Storm’d at with clamp and nail

Under the darkness veil,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of Hell

Fell the six hundred.

4

Flash’d all their backsides bare,

Flash’d as blue turned the air,

Sobering the gunners there,

Charging a noble army, while

All the world she plunder’d:

Plung’d into the battery as they smoked

Right thro’ soldiers’ hearts she broke;

But not Cossack and Russian.

Reel’d from the Mistress Stroke

Shatter’d and sunder’d.

Then they stood back,

Having ensnared the six hundred.

5

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

All shackl’d and thus plunder’d;

Stormed at with clamp and nail,

While horse and hero dwell,

They fought so well

View the jaws of Death,

Grasped by the mouths of Hell,

That was all that was left for them,

Left for the six hundred.

6

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

All the world wondered.

Honour the charge they made,

Honour the Light Brigade,

The Nobled six hundred.

P.S. from Alfred, Lord Tennyson to agent. I wonder’d if you can get me more letter E’s. I’m getting piss’d off having to use apostrophes.