12. DOG ENDS

REVIEWS

We left Terry Jackson-Brown the hunt target reflecting upon his success at evading death by a thousand bites by substituting himself for the contents of parcels. The ploy had preserved his existence but not the five star ratings of certain sellers on eBay and Amazon. As the following reviews of customers testify:

CAR JACK BLOODY USELESS.

I was really disappointed with the car Jack. It didn’t look at all like it did in the pictures. Then when I used it to change a wheel it kept asking me to hurry up because it’s back was aching. Then it demanded bottle of beer before absenting itself for good. Would never buy this again.

CRAP DEHUMIDIFIER

Totally rubbish dehumidifier. It didn’t manage to suck any water out of the air but after it had buggered off and we checked the fridge we found it HAD managed to suck the contents of three bottles of lager leaving the bottles dry.

MAVERICK LAWN MAINTENANCE

Ordered the Delabro Robotic Automatic Lawnmower. Didn’t look anything like it did on the box. But gave it a spin. Programmed it to cut my lawn after installing the borders. Straight away it ignored the borders I installed so it could go to the local Tesco and buy a four pack of beer and a sandwich. Proceeded to just lay on the lawn occasionally picking at a few blades of grass to look at its length and shake its head, disapprovingly. All the while tucking into its picnic with considerably more gusto than it showed towards tackling the lawn. When I checked later not a blade of grass had been manicured but the lawnmower itself was half cut.

Will be returning this useless piece of crap for a full refund if I can find it.

SUPERHYDRO DISHWASHER NASTY SURPRISE

Didn’t like look of my so called state of art dishwasher. Then when I put it to test I found it a few minutes later at the sink washing dishes in a bowl. When challenged it it told me that it was a retro dishwasher. Not at all pleased.

ROWING MACHINE NOT WHAT I EXPECTED

Really disappointed when I opened the parcel. This wasn’t the rowing machine with super hydraulic oars that I was expecting. Instead it was a rowing machine that argued the toss about anything and everything. Brexit, the woke generation and cancel culture, the monarchy, recycling and even the pettiest of disagreements such as the correct way to peel a banana. I was exhausted by the evening.

BIG PUZZLE

We ordered a big pack of 20 jigsaw puzzles but felt let down to discover there was only one big puzzle and in 3D at that of what appeared to be a Wiltshire painter and decorator on the run. Not much fun in that as he appeared ready assembled so nothing to do. Didn’t really resemble a jigsaw puzzle at all, that is until he heard that Swindon Town had lost 4-0 then he went to pieces.