24. DOG ENDS

AI HORSES AT THE GALLOP

It’s got a whole lot harder for the prey of man hunts, well for those chased by the Derbyshire District Hunt anyway.

In the first of its kind, Fortnum Simms, Master of the aforesaid hunt, has replaced their equine mounts with AI horses in an attempt to increase the potency of their killings.

‘Until now we have been mainly reliant on our pack of hounds to sniff out our prey,’ he explained. ‘But I will be dashed if that isn’t the most unproductive use of their abilities. It’s no good taking up the chase in all our pomp and regalia trusting a dog has got it right. Why, on one occasion we spent all of a Bank Holiday afternoon in pursuit only to converge upon a poor cocker spaniel that was on heat. Her owners had taken her on a day trip to Buxton. Suffice it to say that they got her done at the next available opportunity as the experience wasn’t one either they or we would want repeating.’

Fortnum Simms also emphasized the frustration his colleagues feel when the hounds don’t pick up the scent.

‘We cannot be guaranteed a good chase and kill every time we venture out and this somewhat limits our appeal in acquiring new members. Well, that and the forty grand membership fee. And the hounds cannot be expected to latch onto the odour of our target if say the cursed blighter is two hundred miles away. But this is where the beauty of the AI horses comes in.’

These super intelligent horses obtained by the Derbyshire District Hunt are considered a godsend.

‘Our previous non intellectual horses were just fed hay and the occasional sugar lump,’ Simms observed. ‘But these AI horses are so much more productive. Instead they are fed on information about our prey and it enables them to think like them and be able to accurately guess where they are currently located. The fruitless chase is a thing of the past. We are now a ruthlessly efficient killing machine.’

There are spin offs that have also proved beneficial to the elite owners of these equine intelligentsia.

‘By Jimminy, our old horses used to trot on grass,’ the hunt master explained, ‘but these AI horses grass on Trots instead. I have been able to inform the local Conservative Association of seven lefties in the community in the past week alone meaning they can be picked upon and experience the unfairness and prejudice their politics deserve.’

When asked why the hunt haven’t simply taken on AI hounds, Simms balks at the idea.

‘No blooming way, they’ll likely go Vegan. We want them to be tearing into our prey not seeking a plant based alternative.’

AI horses, however, could provide as many drawbacks as benefits. For instance, Tracy Mewleaf who rides with the Derbyshire District Hunt recently discovered that you can lead an AI horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Mainly because it was aware the local supplier had been fined aa record amount for its inordinate addition of dubious chemicals to the water supply.

Also, it has emerged that a bunch of roses in a Buxton florists that had been grown in soil enriched by AI horse manure, told a customer that the intended recipient wasn’t worth it because she was playing the field and unlikely to commit herself romantically for the foreseeable future.

The major concern, however, is that if AI horses become the norm the Grand National could suffer as when the starter gives the signal at Aintree for the prestigious race to commence the AI horses will likely remain static because they’ll consider the course to be too bloody dangerous.