59. Popular Tourist Attractions In A Nelson-less World

More from the Dossier on Life Without Horatio Nelson:

POPULAR TOURIST ATTRACTIONS UK

1. NELSON’S COLUMN

Open 24/7.

Located in London.

Due to there being no Horatio Nelson, great naval hero, to place an outsized statue of atop the column, the residence is now occupied by an oversized statue of the town of Nelson in Lancashire. Rather inconveniently this measures more than three square miles. Thus from 1843 much of Central London would be permanently under its shadow meaning, for instance, that Scotland Yard would no longer be associated with solving crime as detectives stationed there would always be kept in the dark and Whitechapel, the notorious area where Jack The Ripper caused carnage in 1888, would become the location of even more of his atrocities as due to the constant absence of sunlight he’d be able to also put in a day shift.

2. Stonehenge

Open all year round – mainly because the Druids failed to get planning permission to build a roof in 248 BC.

Located in Wiltshire.

3. The Richard III Centre

Museum dedicated to the King associated with the murders of the young Princes in the Tower in 1483. Open Mon-Sat 9am-6pm. Creche currently unavailable while these accusations are investigated.

Located in York.

4. The Burke & Hare Theme Park

Dedicated to the lives of the infamous graverobbers. Open during daylight hours, closed during the hours of darkness as replenishing stock.

Located in Edinburgh.

5. The Royal Leech Ponds

Open daily, except public holidays, on the site of the old Windsor Castle frequented by the British royal family until Napoleon dispensed with them. Visit the breeding pools, 9 am – 5.30 pm, where you’ll see that the great American Showman P.T. Barnum was correct when he stated that there’s a sucker born every minute.

Located in Windsor.

6. HMS Victory 

Opening hours by private arrangement, in other instances at your convenience. Visit the warship blasted to pieces by Napoleon’s forces in the rout of the British navy at Trafalgar.

Located in:

The bottom of the English Channel.

The Renshaw’s back garden in Ipswich (part of the hull forms the bench on view).

The Lattimore’s front room in Aberdeen (deck fragments used for shelving).

Also the shed in the Smith’s garden in Clapham, London, Mr Taylor’s cigar box in Carlisle, Mrs Knotchbull’s fence in St. Ives, the frame around a portrait of Napoleon on display at Bonaparte Palace, London, the TV stand in the Roper’s home in Newcastle….. Plus 158 other locations, list available upon application.