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DOCUMENT
RESEARCH RESULTS IN RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION WHAT IF WARWICK THE KINGMAKER ENJOYED MAKING OTHER CHESS PIECES TOO?
THIS PART LOOKS INTO LIFE WITHOUT WARWICK THE KINGMAKER AND HOW THE NORTH OF ENGLAND WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PACIFIED BY WARWICK PLACING EDWARD IV ON THE THRONE. THERE WOULD BE A PERPETUAL WAR OF THE ROSES AND OUR OMPHALOS COMPUTER PROGRAM HAS PRODUCED THE FOLLOWING TYPICAL TV SCHEDULE FOR A DAY’S VIEWING IN THE UK:
09:00 MOURNING TV
Today comes from St Oswald’s Church, Sowerby, North Yorkshire where the Reverend Victor Slankey leads the congregation in prayers to mourn the 40 Sowerby folk lost in the recent attack by Lancashire forces upon the Yorkshire Pudding Makers AGM at the Town Hall. Due to the nature of the attack and its chosen target figures are expected to further rise.
11:00 CRICKET
Live coverage from Old Trafford of the annual Roses match between Lancashire and Yorkshire. It will be interesting to see if this year the two captains elect to use a ball with a more prominent seam rather than the Mk II hand grenade favoured in recent contests. Being cricket viewers are advised that play might end early due to heavy rain of blows or bad fight.
16:45 BLUE PETERLOO
A crack troop of Yorkshire knights lay siege to a suburb of Manchester and cut off their supplies of fuel during the coldest January on record.
17:15 POYNTONLESS
Quiz in which contestants from Yorkshire devise ways in which to completely obliterate a town in Lancashire territory.
18:00 THE SIX O’CLOCK NEWSHOLME
Live updates from a Lancashire hamlet in the line of fire from forces representing the House of York.
18:55 WEATHER
Includes explanation of the new arrow symbols that no longer indicate wind direction but places where one is likely to come under fire from Lancastrian or Yorkist archers.
19:00 EMMERDALE
Fsmilies on a Yorkshire farm and surrounding residencies try hard to usurp their urban Lancashire counterparts in the national soap awards.
19:30 CORONATION STREET
The residents of a street in Lancashire commit a series of affairs, betrayals and murders among themselves as a ploy to make Yorkshire folk think they don’t need to ever attack them as they’re doing a pretty damn good job of destroying their own lives.
20:00 SPRINGWATCH
Secret cameras capture the cute antics of the natural inhabitants of Foxholes in Yorkshire and Dolphinholme in Lancashire as they hunker down in a new range of armour to protect them in the challenging new season ahead.
21:00 SINDERBY COME DANCING
Jion the celebrations in North Yorkshire as residents of Sinderby take to the streets in revelry to celebrate victory over the Lancastrians at the recent Battle of Blackpool.
22:00 MORECAMBE & RISE
Jesters and comedians representing these locations in Lancashire and Yorkshire battle it out on stage.
22:30 MATCH OF THE DAY
Rotherham v Oldham. Catch up on highlights as undercover cameras capture the work of arsonists planted in Yorkshire and Lancashire.
23:30 LATE FILM: CATTON – A HOT TIN ROOF
A soldier’s exploits as he tries to hawk a stolen corrugated roof around the streets of a Yorkshire village in an attempt to raise fighting funds for the white rose county.
