35. THE FRENCH WOULD BE IN STITCHES

Boudicca’s impassioned resistance to Roman rule created a template for British leaders that followed. Her bravery and dogged determination to stand up for her rights and for the freedom of her people became embedded in the national psyche. Thus, had Boudicca not rebelled Britons that followed would have shown no resistance in the face of attack. As the following examples illustrate:

Translated text of letter from the Chairwoman of the Bayeux Needle Operatives Guild to Harold II, King of England.

14 October, 1066.

Dear Mr Godwinson (aka Harold II),

My guild of needle operatives has implored me to write to YOU to express our outrage at your decision not to engage in battle with William The Bastard of Normandy at Hastings last month. As William has said, it will assist his objective to change his name to something more appealing such as William The Conqueror not one iota to be handed England on a plate as you suggest. William will simply be laughed and more likely to be called William The Lucky Bastard instead.

Now onto the crux of this letter. You might be aware that William The Bastard intended to chronicle his successful invasion of England through the creative medium of embroidery. He put 95 of our needle operatives in Bayeux on a retainer for that purpose.

A giant screen of cloth some 70 metres long, has been purchased to tell the dramatic story of our Duke’s conquest. The source of much excitement and pride amongst those in Bayeux. Those in neighbouring areas to Bayeux are now falling about laughing at us having nothing to embroider now. These were not the sort of people being in stitches that we intended creating.

We now have a massive cloth with nothing on it except for a comet, for at least that wasn’t afraid to put in an appearance.

Although we have had to reproach you, Mr Godwinson, and have had recourse to employ words unbefitting of French maidenhood, we hope it doesn’t put you off sending away for our Bayeux Guild of Needle Operatives 1066 Christmas Catalogue. There are lots of fabulous items available all of which can be embroidered with any name of your choice to add that special personal touch.

Yours

Mme Marie ‘Leather Thimble’ Beauchamp

Chairwoman of the Bayeux Guild of Needle Operatives

In similar vein the following appeal would have been sent to pilots and owners of Spitfire airplanes at the commencement of WWII in 1939:

Due to these uncertain times, can you please donate all your fighting aircraft so that they can be melted down and made into kettles and saucepans to enable the gentle folk of Britain to brew more cups of tea.