15. DOG ENDS

THE AUSTRALIAN MOGUL

The Australian TV mogul Crecy Poker announced from her Channel 91 studios in Sydney ambitious plans to cover man-hunts and transform the sport.

‘I cannot believe how barbaric these events are usually culminating in the gory death of the human prey,’ the multi-millionaire opined. ‘It is frankly astonishing in this modern world that such a practice can be allowed to continue. Strewth, all that entertainment value and no live coverage available, no stadia for spectators to pay good money to watch. It’s criminal.’

Poker plans to bring the most exciting encounters between the hunted and hunters into packed stadia and offer live TV packages via Channel 91 starting soon having booked the prestigious Wembley Stadium to host the debut programme to be called Catch Of The Day.

‘At the moment, these fantastic meetings occur on an ad hoc basis when it just so happens that the hounds catch up with the prey. It could be in a side street in Dorking on a Monday afternoon in front of two locals and an inebriated vagabond. What a waste, and I mean the entertainment value of the kill or avoidance of it, not the alcohol used by the tramp. It’s like Ali and Frazier in 1971 meeting at two am in the back garden of a Park Home in Peterborough and being told by a resident to keep the noise down because there were elderly folk trying to sleep. No, instead those guys only donned gloves once they’d signed to fight in Madison Square Garden and secured a deal for pay per view television to broadcast their contest around the entire globe.’

Poker believes that the prey will jump at the chance to earn the lucrative sums she will be offering to be hunted in packed stadia while being shown live to millions on TV through her newly set up Channel 91 Subscription Service called Die Sports.

The Australian TV mogul was initially rebuffed when she approached Madgrel Walters the Secretary of the Union of Prey the body that represents many of those being hunted. But that was because Walters misheard and thought he was going to be approached by a TV mongrel and everyone associated with being hunted are wary of any contact with dogs, even ones eager to display their feminine side. However, once the confusion was cleared up he welcomed the opportunity for his members to at last make big money from their essential role in the manhunts.

Poker plans to revolutionise man-hunts with Die Sports coverage. Hunters will be expected to ditch the traditional red tunics for a variety of other colours, notably pastel shades that will graphically display blood splatters from their victims. While their prey will be provided with special sponsored kit although it is hoped to tastefully fill this opportunity and not use it to promote Will Writing Services, Insurance Companies or Tomato Ketchup Manufacturers. It has also been agreed that any replica prey kits sold to fans of the manhunts should carry a Government Health Warning that wearing it could prove detrimental to one’s further prospects of existence.

Poker also plans to introduce kit that would make it harder for the dogs to maul their prey. Therefore elongating the kill and increasing the chances of survival for the hunted as this will enhance the viewing experience for the thousands in attendance and millions watching at home. She also believes Catch Of The Day will help families of those who are targeted by the hunts to come to terms with their losses.

‘Strewth, the kills at present are barely witnessed by anyone, so the bereaved families have to rely on second hand Pommy accounts at best or no account at all to discover how their loved ones died and they might not know they’ve died until days later when bits of them land on their doormats in the mail. But now, if selected for coverage, their nearest and dearest will not only die wealthy, they’ll also get to see how they perished live, using multi-camera angles with plenty of replays accompanied by in-depth analysis provided by our expert studio pundits. And, if it’s any consolation, they’ll know that here at Die Sports we won’t be letting the hunters have all their own way. Ratings drive us.’