17. DOG ENDS

THE AUSTRALIAN MOGUL

The Australian TV mogul Crecy Poker announced from her Channel 91 studios in Sydney ambitious plans to cover man-hunts and transform the sport.

‘I cannot believe how barbaric these events are usually culminating in the gory death of the human prey,’ the multi-millionaire opined. ‘It is frankly astonishing in this modern world that such a practice can be allowed to continue without a single camera focused upon it. Strewth, all that entertainment value and no live coverage available, no stadia for spectators to pay good money to watch. It’s criminal.’

Poker plans to bring the most exciting encounters between the hunted and hunters into packed stadia and offer live TV packages via Channel 91 starting soon having booked the prestigious Wembley Stadium to host the debut programme to be called Catch Of The Day.

‘At the moment, these fantastic meetings occur on an ad hoc basis when it just so happens that the hounds catch up with the prey. It could be in a side street in Dorking on a Monday afternoon in front of two locals and an inebriated vagabond. What a waste, and I mean the entertainment value of the kill, not the alcohol used by the tramp.’

Poker believes that the prey will jump at the chance to earn the lucrative sums she will be offering to be hunted in packed stadia while being shown live to millions on TV through her newly set up Channel 91 Subscription Service called Die Sports.

The Australian TV mogul was initially rebuffed when she approached Madgrel Walters the Secretary of the Union of Prey the body that represents many of those being hunted. But that was because Walters misheard and thought he was going to be approached by a TV mongrel.

Poker plans to revolutionise man-hunts with Die Sports coverage. Hunters will be expected to ditch the traditional red tunics for a variety of other colours, notably pastel shades that will graphically display victim’s blood splatter. While their prey will be provided with special tastefully sponsored kit. Although, replica prey kits sold to fans of the manhunts will carry a Government Health Warning that wearing it could prove detrimental to one’s existence..

Poker believes Catch Of The Day will help families of those who are targeted by the hunts to come to terms with their losses.

‘Strewth, the kills at present are barely witnessed by anyone, so the bereaved families have to rely on second hand Pommy accounts at best or no account at all to discover how their loved ones died and they might not know they’ve died until days later. But now, if selected for coverage, they can watch their demise as it happens with multiple camera angles, knowing that by securing their agreement to televise it, their nearest and dearest will be generously provided for, And, if it’s any consolation, they’ll know that here at Die Sports we won’t be letting the hunters have all their own way. Ratings dictate.’