17. DOG ENDS

CATCH OF THE DAY 2

On the back of the success of the first Catch Of The Day played before a full house at Wembley Stadium and millions at home via Die Sports live TV coverage, the prestigious stadium was soon booked again for another joust to the death involving a manhunt and its prey and another hunted man made famous by his ability to dodge the inevitable was selected with the inducement of Megabucks to stage the duel there.

Steve Wallinsky, the driver of the Dartmouth Park & Ride bus had made a name for himself by refusing to allow dogs on his vehicle an action further backed up by his installation of an inner portcullis to supplement his automatic opening doors. Since then he had also banned passengers wearing red coats after one attired thus managed to board his bus and tell him that he wasn’t playing fair. Steve pulled a lever upon which a vat of boiling oil was emptied over the passenger’s head causing an agonizing death. At the subsequent inquest it was revealed that the deceased, Mr Walker Horn of Redditch, had nothing to do with the hunting fraternity, he was wearing a red coat to celebrate his 65th birthday and thought he was entitled to free bus travel so had actually said that he wasn’t paying fare. Steve Wallinsky was absolved from any blame for slightly mishearing what had been said due to his ears having been nearly chewed off by hunting hounds sometime before he had adopted his somewhat Draconian precautionary measures.

Steve Wallinsky had agreed to have the portcullis and boiling oil removed from his bus for the Wembley extravaganza. The highlight of which was a bus stop on the centre of the pitch surrounded by a circuit upon which drove eight buses all sporting the Dartmouth Park & Ride livery and tinted windows so the faces of the drivers couldn’t be seen. Waiting at the bus stop were all 34 members of The Cream of Devon Hunt. As the buses traversed the stop via the circuit time and again it was up to Flem Peters OBE the Master of The Cream of Devon to stick out his arm to bring the selected bus to a halt. If it was the right one driven by Wallinsky then he was dead meat. If not, the Hunt had three more goes and if they failed to nail him then Steve Wallinsky was a free man. Never to be hunted again, except by autograph hunters perhaps.

The tension was building in the stadium. What the crowd and those at home weren’t aware of was that Flem Peters had been told to let it increase, even if they had a strong inkling straightaway what bus they’d be stopping, to make it look instead like they weren’t sure. And that proved to be the case, for the Cream of Devon hounds stationed a hundred yards ahead of the bus stop yapped furiously each time the Number 7 passed by them. The crowd and those watching at home wondered what was taking so long for Flem Peters to extend his arm to halt it, but accepted that a man’s life was on the line here.

‘There he goes,’ announced the commentator Rob Sneed. ‘At last they’re bringing the number seven to a halt. The hunters are preparing themselves to board and the hounds are starting to make their way over.’

As the bus drew in the crowd fell into a hush aware there was drama about to ensue of the life and death variety. If any bus could convey reluctance to pull in that number 7 did. Although many have experienced this sight when trying to catch buses on a Saturday night. Then it stopped. Just a few seconds elapsed with it stationary there that seemed like minutes drawn out by the constructed tension. Then the doors opened.

‘My God!’ Sneed exclaimed as a passenger appeared in the doorway. ‘That’s Alan Lotus winner of the most bitten postman in Exeter. No wonder the dogs kept yapping.’

‘Don’t these hunters ever do their homework?’ Stefan Hornet-Creeper the pundit offered in condemnatory fashion. Then a bus inspector furnishing a Kalashnikov started checking for tickets on the hunters who had prepared to board, found them sadly lacking and then unleashed a hail of bullets mowing them down. Those at the back of the group realised they were on a loser and started fleeing, as if declaring by this action that they were ticketless too. The carnage was over within three minutes. 35 perished. Nobody could accuse Die Sports of not providing the goods. Thus it had been another successful day for the Australian TV mogul Crecy Poker and for that matter The Dartmouth Park & Ride. For it really delivered the message that everyone needed a ticket to use their service and there were no concessions available.