20. DOG ENDS

THE VEILED VIXEN’S FIRST HIT

The Veiled Vixen had previously entered the fray with a declaration of war upon the hunting classes, received in the form of a letter to The Grimsby Gazette explaining herself responsible for the bizarre death of leading Humberside hunter Lord Mackay Troen reproduced below:

I have information regarding the death of Lord Mucky Troen. I make no apologies for misspelling his name. He was a dirty bastard and met his end accordingly.

Mucky’s raison d’etre was bedding ladies. He derived as much pleasure from putting flesh to mattress as an artist gains from applying paint to canvas. But there was nothing creative about this pointless peer.

With this in mind I enticed him on a date. He was intrigued by my use of a veil and I promised he could remove it if he brought me to a climax. Being such a lousy lover he hadn’t a clue and thought I wanted to go to a specialist 3D cinema!

Instead I seized the initiative in a circus tent long after all the patrons had gone. I told him I wanted thrills. He said that if he could find where the clown had dumped his costume he could take some from that.

I climbed the rope ladder leading to the trapeze furtively, giving him the come on. I told him I wanted to have sex in an exciting manner. He said that he owned an existing manor just five miles away. But I was having none of it and neither was he unless he climbed the ladder with me.

I climbed right to the top but the hunting peer was pretty hopeless at climbing the ladder and it swayed below me a fair bit under his heavy handedness as he combined dangling with some strange, unintentional gymnastic moves and desperate lurches to somehow remain clutching perilously to the rope ladder. I couldn’t help but think that the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Eventually he reached the top. I knew he would when sampling the delights of my body were on offer. As he grasped a few rungs below me at the top I told him I wanted him to wear a condom. After initially protesting he acquiesced.

I then secured my legs in the ropes and flipped backwards. This enabled Mucky Troen to enter me. He was so driven by this that he didn’t seem to mind that he too was now upside down. In fact he remarked upon having a fantastic rush of blood to his head.

Sex was underway and I knew his fate was sealed for he was now being held up high simply by the strength of his appreciation for me. I knew it wouldn’t be long and it wasn’t. He must have realised just after he reached his crescendo and noticed the absence of a safety net.

‘Oh bugger,’ he exclaimed. ‘This is the first time in my life I have ever practised safe sex!’ He then hurtled to his death.