22. DOG ENDS

DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT DRAWS ATTENTION

From The Daily Bugle

The recent, much publicised and regrettable incident which saw US Presidential Candidate Jas T Longberry’s visit to the UK marred by the death of one of his close political allies, Don Fredericks IV at the hands of the manhunts has drawn attention to the fact visitors to Britain are being caught out by our unique solution to the overpopulation crisis.

For those, and there cannot be many, unacquainted with the story, Longberry, the charismatic Senator for Illinois was using a brief visit to the UK to drum up support for his campaign to secure the Democratic Party nomination for President in the election later this year when at an audience with the King at Windsor Castle the event was gatecrashed by The Berkshire Blazers Hunt. It soon became apparent that his great friend Don Fredericks IV was the target and he took off at great speed pursued by hounds.

Fredericks IV headed towards Maidenhead and actually reached the town, 7 miles away, in an impressive 39 minutes and 27 seconds before he was mauled to death in the High Street. The irony being that Jas T Longberry was going to use the visit to announce Fredericks IV as his Running Mate for the forthcoming US election.

Hitherto, there hasn’t been much focus on the plight of visitors to Britain who get immediately selected to be hunted, it being assumed that a common courtesy is extended to them as guests not to hunt and kill them for the duration of their stay. But this is a fallacy as they are subject to the same laws as everyone resident in this nation from the moment they step foot upon our soil.

‘The trouble is,’ Longberry commented in the wake of his political ally’s horrendous death, ‘visitors to this great country don’t know a darned thing about it. They kinda think they’re exempt. The very least you Brits can do is to let any tourist who is chosen know this from the outset and give the poor guy special dispensation to go through Customs a lot quicker so as they get a good head start.’

The Government’s reticence to inform visitors to the UK that they could be hunted and killed in a barbaric fashion is understandable as they feel it would have a negative impact upon the tourist industry in this country. Until the high profile case of Don Fredericks IV previous incidents of visitors to Britain being killed by the hunts were hushed up.

There was one occasion, however, that slipped the net. Yuland Nanook a member of the Greenlandic Inuit people visited Britain two months ago on an exchange and on his first day sat in the musher’s position on a sled the Hereford Hunt had bought for him as a gesture he considered of hospitable generosity, only to find that the dogs lined up ahead of him then turned and targeted him for a fatal mauling.

‘Hilariously,’ explained Lord Garfledt Master of the Hereford Hunt, ‘he was initially overjoyed to see the dogs turn one-eighty degrees to face him. He thought he would be driving the only sled in the world fitted with a reverse gear.’