29. DOG ENDS

The New Form

It wasn’t long before an addition was made to the paperwork issued when patients joined the NHS waiting list. As evidenced below:

Dear xxxxx

You have now been added to the waiting list and will shortly hear from us regarding your procedure and details and ratings of the centres available to conduct your treatment. You will be required to select the centre of your preference and an alternative.

You might well be aware that due to a change in Government policy, anyone on an NHS waiting list is now eligible to be hunted. This will prove beneficial as it is anticipated it will greatly reduce the time patients generally wait for procedures as only those who genuinely require treatment will now occupy waiting lists, and some of those will be further whittled down by becoming dog food.

We understand that this could be considered an inconvenience if one is selected to become the prey of a hunt, but the greater good surely prevails.

To facilitate the smooth running of this process can you please answer the following questions. Failure to do so would see your potential treatment stalled or even cancelled.

Name………..

Address…….

How fast can you run 100 metres? ………

How fast can you run 400 metres?……..

How fast can you run 1500 metres? …….

Or do you generally prefer to catch a bus instead? ………..

Are you likely to try and retaliate when a pack of hounds start devouring you? ………

Do you have any metal implants that could cause problems to dogs when devouring you?  If so where are these implants located? (We must remind you that if at any time you dress up in body armour, you will automatically be removed from the NHS waiting list and branded a spoilsport.)…..

Are you deaf or hard of hearing? (We need to know this to ensure fairness if you are audibly impaired as we can make sure that the hunters bring along a sign language interpreter so that you don’t miss out on any of the hounds barking or the blast of the hunting horn.)

Do you, or anyone in your household, have problems sleeping? (We need to know this as it enables us to arrange with the hunters to only try and kill or maim you during daylight hours if you, or anyone in your household, have problems sleeping.)……

Do you have problems with your eyesight? (If you answer yes to this we can arrange for you to be hunted by much bigger dogs.) ……

How many legs do you possess, none, one or two? (This provides us with a better idea how long it will take the hunters and their dogs to catch up with you.)…….

How many arms do you possess, none, one, two, three or more than three? And do any of these arms fire ammunition or even missiles? (We need to know this as it plays an important part in the decision whether it’s wise to hunt you or not.)

Would you like to receive prior notification that you are to be hunted? If the answer to this is yes please express a preference as to how to notify you whether by text or email. As well as supplying your phone number or email address*

*If you awake to find a pack of bloodthirsty hounds on your doorstep and you haven’t received an email notification, then please check your spam folder.