25. DOG ENDS

New Measures

The Government were keen to be seen as responsive to suggestions to improve the Man Hunts. Unlike the laziest prey, they never wanted to be caught with the grass growing under their feet.

One such new measure introduced was to no longer broadcast the drawing of the National Insurance Numbers to determine who would be hunted and by whom. The show was seen as cruel and those with anxiety disorders found their symptoms heightened at the time the show was live to air twice a week.

‘It’s no good,’ commented the Industry Minister Marvel Hopeness, ‘trying to increase our productivity, when twice a week the nation comes to a standstill. Well, a standstill except for those who have just been selected as prey. As they become more active than they have ever been.’

The national draw thus would occur behind closed doors in future and the unlucky losers would be immediately informed by email of their selection to most likely become dog meat.

‘I must warn all of you,’ Hopeness continued as he prepared to enter his chauffeur driven limo in Downing Street, ‘that if you awake one day to find a pack of bloodthirsty hounds on your doorstep and you haven’t received an email notification, then you’ll need to check your spam folder.’

Hopeness had been a busy bureaucratic bunny. He had also addressed issues concerning the lobby group Equal Prey for a Fair Day’s Hunt, which sought to correct the imbalance between those who were hunted and were fit and able and those who were hunted and had sensory disabilities.

‘Those selected as prey with poor eyesight,’ Hopeless stated plonking his briefcase in the back seat, ‘shall forthwith be hunted by much bigger dogs. And similarly we have fast tracked volunteers to learn British Sign Language who will work alongside those chosen to be chased to their deaths who are hard of hearing. The Industry Minister then joined his briefcase in the limo and it quietly departed the ostentatious street of power.

It later emerged that the volunteers had learned BSL in impressive record time before being assigned to their charges. Although it appeared not quite so admirable when it was revealed that they were only taught the sign language for “Run” and “Oh dear, mate. If you survive I think you’ll need a good plastic surgeon.”

*The idea to provide those hunted who were reliant on the sense of smell with calming aromatherapy oils so they would feel relaxed and at home wherever they managed to secrete themselves was abandoned when results from Government surveys suggested many of those hunted excreted a more overpowering odour born from fear that left aromatherapy oils somewhat redundant in the pungency stakes.