22. WHEN SATURDAY’S GONE by Jonaldo

Sex & the Senior Footballer

Now we come to the age old football question of whether it’s advisable to have sex the night before a match. I think I can safely say that the overwhelming consensus amongst my senior footballing colleagues is yes it is a very good idea to partake in the pleasures of the flesh before a game (and after it and even during it if the opportunity arose).

When I was first seeing my new girlfriend in 2020 during the pandemic, the lads were enthralled by my stories of how we would flout lockdown rules by arranging trysts in hotel rooms, my girlfriend, an NHS worker, taking the lead in dealing with the hotel staff while I remained in the background with our cases and wearing a blue NHS fleece and lanyard from an erstwhile colleague, zipped so only the top of his head in the picture showed which matched mine as we were both folicly challenged. Fortunately, we were never covid rule-breakingly challenged and our regular hotel rendezvous became the talk of my teammates.

They were especially impressed when I had sex the night before a match and on the morning of the match and still performed well on the pitch, netting the equaliser and then winner in a 3-2 triumph. Afterwards it wasn’t my on the field scoring that they wanted to hear about.

As senior footballers several of my teammates no longer get the intimacy they once took for granted. Some, for instance, have issues with diabetes that restrict such nocturnal activities. One player is even reliant upon an injection in the vital organ to produce a performance. Which is well appreciated by himself and his good lady wife. Good job there’s no FIFA representative waiting for a urine sample after the big match as far as that is concerned, they’d have a long wait as apparently it doesn’t go down until about four hours later.

Losing Derek says that he prefers to pass a number two rather than have sex (although he doesn’t express it quite so eloquently). However, despite this apparent disdain for the subject, whenever sex is mentioned in our post-match drinks session he is all ears.

Having had sex the night before and the morning of a game I can categorically state that teammates and opponents in senior football are psychologically affected by my activities. It’s like I am suddenly elevated to Godlike status because I have scored off the pitch and am still strong enough to participate in the match as if nothing has happened. It gets into their heads and, for me, a fair bit of a game is won or lost between the ears of the players.

It all reminds me of how George Best must’ve been viewed by his Manchester United teammates when instead of observing team curfews prohibiting sex and drinking before a match he would be bedding the likes of Miss World. This stoked the ire of his manager Matt Busby and led, ultimately, to his leaving United. Evidently, Busby was from the Losing Derek school of sex appreciation.

I have been envied by my own teammates on an equal scale, for I have flaunted the rules, not of a club but of a nation, in my pursuit of pleasure both on the pitch and off of it. So, yes, I would unequivocally advocate sex for the senior player before a match.