39. Monsieur Hulot’s Report Britain AD 60

MISSION BOUDICCA

REPORT FROM JACQUES TATI HOLOGRAM in 60 AD BRITAIN.

Monsieur Hulot is liking this period. This fledgling consumerist society where he won’t be asked to sell himself to promote a brand of chariot or designer sandals. For Monsieur Hulot is conscious that the people regard him as their friend so he can’t be a man who tells them what beer to drink.

Before the Romans piped water from the aqueduct to the villa there would be the hapless water carrier, spilling drops in the street and cursing. Then they might slip, or a man he spilled water on might push the carrier and the vase would fall and smash to pieces. Then the people would all turn in the street and have a little laugh and shout ‘ho, ho, Bravo!’

I want Boudicca to comprehend that making history is better for the spirit than making the roads safer with her grits, making them run efficiently so that the good or bad driver is eradicated and the humour suffers. I will make a moving picture that will encapsulate my concerns that the Celt is being subsumed by Roman consumerism and materialism at the cost of their own personalities.

The way you have your haircut proves your personality, but if you are obliged to have your haircut like everyone with Roman influence, then your character is swept away from the barber’s floor.

Things are made so well in Roman manufacturing. The personality of the people making these items is lost. Myself, I hope I will always make mistakes. A man does not enjoy the chariot he drives until something goes wrong and he repairs it as then something of himself is involved.

My film’s star will be primarily the decor. I shall create a set bigger and more impressive even than Tativille. I shall construct a whole town of Roman homes. I am doing some gigs to make the Romans laugh to finance this ambitious project. Tattivillas.

There will be small things in Tativillas that will go wrong. The water doesn’t flow properly through the pipe to the home. I see a little man, very simple, comes to repair it in this territory of well made things. For me, that is the moment life returns. A human being is involved.

REPORT ENDS

The Jacques Tati hologram was wished well in his ploy to encourage Boudicca to rebel against the Romans and destroy their cities. Whereupon, the following report was received from Tati that caused the immediate abandonment of the hologram:

The Second Jacques Tati Report:

Sacre Bleu!!!!

I feel for myself, you are crazy. Do you think me mad? If I make Boudicca this warrior Queen bent on destruction she will destroy Tativillas!!!!!!

Non, non, non I will not be manipulated like the viewer of a television advert to do your crazy bidding. Monsieur Hulot is a free man.

FYI

*Proof that the Jacques Tati hologram was about in AD 60 Britain is derived from newly discovered extracts in the work of the contemporary Roman Historian Cassius Dio

Cassius Dio in his Roman Histories LXII:

‘For at night there was heard to issue from the Senate House foreign jargon mingled with laughter, and from the theatre outcries and lamentations, though no mortal man had uttered the words or the groans.’ – Proof of the Tati hologram doing his gigs to earn extra money to fund Tativillas.

‘They require shade and covering….if any of these things fail them they perish.’ – This leaves little doubt that Tati had explained to the Romans how darkness is required for the projection of films to work.