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UN HISTORICAL SECURITY COUNCIL
CONFIDENTIAL
OBSERVATIONS ON SUCCESS OF BOUDICCA MISSION
We have successfully put history back on track by the skilled intervention of our Hologram Defense Program. Boudicca is once again the leader of a rebellion against the Romans.
Our research team discovered that had Boudicca not become famous as a Warrior Queen succeeding generations wouldn’t be aware of her predilection to carry a pet hare around with her including into battle. Her ultimate lack of success with this tactic would then not have tainted the views of others that followed down the years and it would’ve become acceptable to take pets into battle.
This could then have seen such things as Shield Cat Flaps available for purchase at The Battle of Bosworth in 1485, as well as pet carriers that included a keep, moat, bailey, battlements, drawbridge and portcullis fitted as standard. Flea Powder would also have been for sale but only on the proviso it never got onto any of the troops and turned them cowardly.
It was even speculated that an elixir would also be available to stop dogs being attracted to bitches on heat that would first have been successfully trialled when Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen in 1431.’
Cat and Dog Treaties would simply have been contracts signed by rival combatants to spare each others pets from harm.
That aside intriguing new evidence has emerged through the vigilance of our Observation Corps stationed in the War Rooms regarding Douglas Jardine and his successful mission proving that his hologram was at work in 1st Century Britain. These references to the controversial England ‘Bodyline’ cricket captain have now suddenly appeared in the history books where previously there was no mention:
From Cassius Dio The Roman Histories LXII
In speech delivered by Boudicca to her rebel army….
‘We allowed them to set foot on the island in the first place instead of expelling them.’ – This appears to be a warning to the English cricket authorities not to allow the Australians and Don Bradman into the country in 1930.
‘Furthermore, this region is familiar to us and is our ally, but to them it is unknown and hostile.’ – A clear reference to New Road, Worcester, where the ball swings prodigiously in early-May much to the disadvantage of the Australian tourists.
‘They are superior to us neither in numbers nor in bravery. And here is the proof: they have protected themselves with helmets and breastplates.’ – Boudicca is here repeating Jardine’s belief that modern day cricketers are soft compared to the players of his era.
Later Dio comments thus about Boudicca’s tactics:
‘And assigned the others to their several stations.’ – Proof that Boudicca had learned about fielding positions from Jardine.
Finally, this now appears in the Roman historian Tacitus’ account in The Agricola:
‘And they had confidently brought their wives to see the victory, installing them in carts stationed at the edge of the battlefield.’ – Jardine must have informed the Celts in AD 60 about the modern day cricketer bringing their WAGs to watch them play.
MISSION BOUDICCA SUCCESSFUL AND SIGNED OFF
Jonty Morgan Humourist 