2. DOG ENDS

Special Delivery

‘I didn’t care about the discomfort on my bare feet,’ Terry Jackson-Brown said. ‘I just ran like the clappers. I had to use my head start wisely. I knew being naked in the street was attracting interest so killing two birds with one stone I dived into the back of a Royal Mail van as the driver made a drop. Through my exertions and embarrassment I was as red as the vehicle’s livery.’

Terry was relieved when he heard the engine start and take him further away from the hounds’ bladed teeth. But knew he couldn’t continually hide under parcels as with each delivery the pile diminished further.

‘I found the biggest parcel, emptied it and got inside the packaging doing my best to wrap it up from inside. A tricky process with the movement of the van.’

He’d swapped places with an exercise bike. Over the next few drops Jackson-Brown rehearsed in his mind what he should say to the recipient and considered it wise to say as little as possible. He was holding his life together as precariously as he was keeping his packaging in place. He would simply explain that he was going upstairs, unless it was a bungalow, but would refrain from telling them it was to steal some clothes to make further good his escape.

‘We reached the delivery address and I braced myself to remain perfectly still. The postman used a set of wheels to assist. I was pushed up a bumpy path that vibrated my bones. We stopped and a doorbell rang. Pleasantries were exchanged with Mrs Porter-Sneath and I was able to gather that the delivery was a surprise present from her daughter.’

With the signature of the recipient obtained, the parcel was taken into the hall before the postman departed. The intrigued recipient then tore into the package.

‘The poor woman looked shocked when I emerged naked. I mumbled about my needing the bedroom and then dashed upstairs. In a bedroom I found, I assumed, her absent husband’s clothes. I wished he used an exercise bike as they were about four sizes too big for me. I was tempted to do a runner there and then, but felt it incumbent upon me now I was clothed to return to the shocked lady and offer an explanation.’

Unfortunately, he found Mrs Porter-Sneath spark out on the floor.

‘In her hand she held the instructions that had remained in the package along with a sachet after I had removed the bike. It read: You will find this lubricating oil of benefit once you have erected the product. I left her at that point and headed out.’

The intrepid fugitive decided to continue using Royal Mail to keep on the run.

‘I’d conceal myself in parcels and be posted to all parts of the country, not having a clue where I was heading. As if I had no idea where I was heading then neither would my pursuers.’