Posts 3,4 and 5. DOG ENDS

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Overpopulation

Something had to be done. The mere fact that when The Prime Minister, Sir Wakeman Trellis, addressed the nation with his governing party’s solution to the overpopulation problem live from Downing Street he did so wearing a high-vis jacket so he could be picked out from the crowd spoke volumes.

Here are the other things he spoke of in that famous declaration:

~ Overcrowding in the UK getting so bad that if there was another pandemic necessitating that everyone adopt social distancing of two metres again, 38 million people would fall into the sea.

~ If ten million women became pregnant in the UK at the same time, 9 months down the line 421,766 citizens would similarly become shark food.

~ Solutions sought to utilize spaces not considered before to tackle overpopulation.

~ It was considered a bad idea to start housing people in supermarkets because those located near the Reduced Section would find their property devalued.

~ Utilizing cricket pitches to construct residential dwellings would mean schoolboy connoiseurs of the game who familiarise themselves with all the fielding positions in the hope that one day they’ll captain their village team would instead be more likely to get a job as a postman on that estate.

~ Batters reaching milestones of fifty or one hundred would be afraid to raise their bats to mark the achievement if a troubled estate is located there for fear of being charged with inciting a riot.

~ The only benefit to society with building houses on cricket pitches is that children who grew up there would at least know where the boundaries are.

~ Theatres were considered but it wouldn’t take long for the stage curtain to be replaced by venetian blinds, or for those living on the stage to complain of peeping Toms once the audience are admitted on opening night. Furthermore, patrons in attendance who splash out for a plush Box for a regal view of the play will be dismayed to find it filled to the brim with the residents’ recycling.

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GERALD KINNEY INVESTIGATES

This article first appeared in The Daily Despatch, the first to indicate the Government were employing secret methods to tackle overpopulation.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Mother, Mother

There’s too many of you crying

Brother, Brother, Brother

There’s far too many of you dying

So commences a Marvin Gaye classic song from 1971. These lyrics provide a melodic driving force to my concerns. Some may consider me paranoid, others may endorse them but I hope everyone will ask the question that formed the title of Marvin Gaye’s hit record…. What’s Going On?

Let’s, no beating about the bush, commence in a popular Safari Park.This Safari Park, some six months ago, suddenly changed its admissions policy. Previously, its clientele arrived in cars and were encouraged to remain in them with windows firmly shut and doors locked. But then, this policy was radically changed to pedestrian only access.

If pedestrian only safari parks haven’t convinced you as to the merits of my case that the Government are facilitating deaths to ease overpopulation perhaps the relaxation of strict rules that had once prohibited the use of dimmer switches on lighthouse globes will illuminate the way, albeit with reduced power, or the implementation of schemes allowing swimming pool lifeguards to work from home.

How has it escaped public scrutiny that Derbyshire County Council has introduced cash incentives to encourage residents to put themselves out with the recycling. Or Hampshire County Council Roads Department’s idea to re-route part of the M3 so that it now encompasses the war torn streets of Beirut and Gaza. In a similar vein, why were the staff at Accrington Town Council allowed to relocate their One Stop Shop to Base Camp on Mount Everest without encountering a single objection?

It seems that Death & Danger has staged a bloodless coup against our Health & Safety culture. Otherwise how could Mrs Jill Hardwick be allowed to encourage her class of dieters based at Caerphilly College of Adult Education to contract beriberi, dysentry, lassa fever and other potentially fatal diseases to help them lose pounds fast or her husband, Gerry Hardwick to set his class of art pupils there the testing proposition of painting The Forth Railway Bridge without the use of safety harnesses.

I cannot condone the…..

It was at this point that Gerald Kinney was throttled to death by an octopus. The esteemed investigative journalist becoming a victim of the recent relaxation in safety rules around the acquisition of ink which meant the source of it was no longer filtered from the process.

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Government Pamphlet

The following Government pamphlet was delivered through every letterbox in the United Kingdom (except letterboxes that weren’t connected to a front door such as brand new letterboxes on DIY store shelves):

MANHUNTS EXPLAINED

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE NEW BLOOD SPORT

INCLUDING PRACTICAL ADVICE AND NUMBERS TO CALL

PLEASE KEEP HANDY

1. WHAT YOU MIGHT SEE

Every street in the country is now a potential stage for a new blood sport called Man-Hunting. This is the popular name for what was passed through Parliament under the name The Population Overspill Containment Sprucing and Culling Measures Dressed Up To Look Like A Sport Act 20–.

2. WHY MAN-HUNTS?

Man-hunts are the only solution to the overpopulation problem because they are scary. They need to be a frightening prospect for the ploy to work. Flights to Rwanda no longer achieve this end since Human Rights Legislation stopped us from deploying Edwardian aircraft. We needed something stark and scary to make people confront the overpopulation problem and adopt measures to tackle it. Plus, the death of each target reduces the population so it’s a win win situation, except for the poor sod mangled beyond recognition by the hounds.

Furthermore, it provides the opportunity for the elite to gain tremendous pleasure from running worthless members of the underclass into the ground then once despatched, under it.

Our Prime Minister Sir Wakeman Trellis has this to say:

‘Some say Man-Hunting is a barbaric sport. I vehemently disagree. It isn’t a sport at all it’s a necessity.’

3. HOW IT WORKS

Each licensed, official hunt in our nation will be allocated prey each week to locate, pester and hunt into oblivion. So that everyone eligible stands a fair and equal opportunity to be hunted, everyone’s National Insurance Number will be entered into a weekly lottery.

4. EXEMPTIONS TO MAN-HUNTING

~ Of course, the hunters themselves.

~ The rest of the elite.

~ Key Workers. If the hunted hide behind thick, locked doors, locksmiths will be essential to open up the barrier and allow the prey to meet their savage end.

5. PRACTICAL HELP

~ HELP IF YOU ARE A HUNTER

The more deaths your hunt is responsible for the bigger the percentage reduction in tax you will pay. Each hunt fatality is incentivised. Contact HM Custom & Revenue Tax DEADuctions Dept for further details.

HELP IF YOU ARE CHOSEN TO BE HUNTED

Please, please, please don’t worry if you are selected to be hunted. Life is too short and yours has inevitably become incredibly shorter.

•Grants For Trainers. To make Man-Hunts fairer the Government awards anyone selected to be hunted a Trainers Grant to exchange in any participating store for any mid-range trainers to assist you in running away from horses and hounds.

•Help With Funeral Costs. As far as the prospect of funeral costs are concerned let us, The Government, pick up the pieces. And let’s be quite frank here, there’s going to be lots of them after the hounds have finished with you.

*The Government will not pick up the tab for anyone who kills themselves before the hunt even gets underway. Why should we do so for such miserable party pooping bleeders like that anyway.

HELP IF YOU WITNESS THE BLOODY CONCLUSION OF THE HUNT

The Man-Hunt Witness Helpline is available 24/7 for anyone who wishes to talk to our caring volunteers about what they have witnessed. Any resemblance between the Helpline Number and that of Fleet Street Tabloids is purely coincidental.