4. DOG ENDS

A Ticket To Ride

Steve Wallinsky conscientious ladies man and bus driver. His life, like the route he drove every working day, seemed well mapped out for him. He was the envy of his mates. That was until the fateful night his National Insurance number was pulled out at the weekly draw which meant he could now be legally hunted by dogs and the horserider elite until he be dead.

‘He’s always been so warm, patient and kind in our phone chats,’ said one of his love interests when asked about how the modern day Cassonova of the bus lanes has changed since his selection, ‘but since he was chosen to be hunted he’s been noticeably snappy on the phone. Well, it’s either that or the pack of hounds that always seem to be in his near vicinity that I keep hearing.’

Another of Steve’s babes that we will call Beryl, recalls how she introduced the subject of birth control into their phone conversation while he was between journies on his bus route in Devon with the hounds ominously in temporary abeyance.

‘I asked for his thoughts on vasectomy and whether he would consider having one for me. At that point he emitted a blood curdling scream and said that the decision had just been made for him without the use of anaesthetic.’

Beryl recollects other incidents that display a transformation in Wallinsky’s hitherto impeccable character as a consequence of being hunted.

‘He was always such a gentleman on the phone. But after he was selected for the hunts I noticed he engaged a lot in calls involving a heck of a lot of heavy breathing. Admittedly, I perhaps shouldn’t have phoned while he was being chased by the hounds. But it was still shocking to me, nevertheless.’

Even Steve’s romantic nature has begun to be questioned. A woman we shall call Tania told us:

‘I was so chuffed one night recently when he prepared a candlelit meal for us at his pad. But was dismayed to find this wasn’t really a romantic gesture as he was usilng the flame to cauterize the wounds inflicted upon him by the hunting dogs to reduce his risk of infection.’

Of course it isn’t only the lady loves of Steve’s life who have noticed a change since he was selected for the hunts. His employers at the Devon Bus Company have voiced concerns too. Mo Hartford of the Dartmouth Park & Ride has this to say:

‘While we have every sympathy for the trying circumstances Steve Wallinsky now finds himself in, our first concern is for the public we serve and it always will be. We have issued reprimands to our driver for his obvious recent reticence to allow passengers with dogs onto his bus and expressed our total, unequivocal objection to his action, totally at odds with Devon Bus Company policy to supplement his automatic opening doors with an inner portcullis type gate. It was essential that we are seen to address these issues otherwise our reputation for good service to the community will go to the dogs before Steve Wallinsky does.’

Steven Wallinsky refused to make any comment to us about his situation although it’s fair to assume that he is somewhat resigned to his unenviable fate as ending up as dog food for he can be seen at the wheel of his Park & Ride bus wearing a T-Shirt sporting upon which is emblazoned the word ‘Winalot’