HEARTLESS

2. Heart Toppers

Although his heart was weighed down by emotional distress and despair and his fingers were benumbed, Jim Splatt managed to pick up his smartphone and head for the Heart Toppers homepage.

Without looking at any of the categories he sought to engage solely with the department that would buy his heart. His emotional heart, that is. He could sell that and still exist. Indeed, the way his mind now operated, he would be a lot better off without its capacity to become wounded. His Achilles Heel. The most vulnerable constituent of his person.

He filled in an online form about himself and more specifically his emotional heart. Despite the time difference between the UK and Michigan, USA, meaning it was approaching 1 am and most of the Motorcity would be idling, an employee of Heart Toppers called Candice was soon conversing with Jim Splatt over the phone. Apparently it was a 24/7 service and the twilight shift was the most productive one as it took advantage of the time of day when those suffering emotional turmoil suffered the greatest feeling of detachment from their hearts and were thus more likely to part with them for cash.

‘I am pleased to inform you, Jim, that Heart Toppers will pay you three thousand dollars for your heart.’

‘That’s great, I, well I,’ Splatt struggled for something to say, genuinely taken aback by the generous amount offered for the useless organ. Akin to a buyer prepared to part with megabucks for a car that continuously stalled with him behind the wheel and whenever it did chug along with any sense of efficiency just dropped him off at Heartbreakville.

‘Is that a yes to our offer, Jim?’ Candice sought to affirm. ‘If it is and you agree to waive the mandatory fourteen day cooling off period, we can offer you an extra seven hundred and seventy five dollars.’

Jim couldn’t complete the transaction quick enough. He provided his bank details so the money could be transferred to him that night.

‘What happens to my heart now?’ Jim asked out of curiosity.

‘It will be passed onto our donor operatives who will register it and find the right recipient,’ she replied. ‘Though, y’all will have to sign documents to agree to never use your heart emotionally in any context again otherwise you’ll be in breach of our agreement.’

Jim understood, Heart Toppers had to have something for their investment. The call then concentrated on technicalities of the contract before it was brought to a conclusion. The deal having been done. The money after conversion to sterling having been banked. Splatt had felt inclined to ask more questions, but didn’t have the heart. He wondered if that was a consequence of still feeling very despondent or because he was quickly adapting to life without one.