4: CHAOS AT CRUFTS

‘So,’ Mower said tapping his can but not in a code Morse would recognize, ‘you’re saying the past will be dabbled with?’

‘Yes, Matey, the culprits are a future time travel company called Route 1066. Usually our descendants are left with our messes to clear up. In this case it’s them causing it and us, their ancestors, clearing it up! Strange Phenomena Magazine is the flushing out arm of The History Maintenance Commission.’

‘Bollox!’ Glen opined expecting a lot of spin in return.

‘Your vocabulary is so testicular,’ Kai remarked in dismay.

‘New balls please,’ announced the tennis umpire with impeccable timing which broke the febrile atmosphere in the room as both chuckled.

”Look,’ Diamonde explained. ‘Strange Phenomena is alerted to a picture of Geoff Hurst striking a ball against a tree in the goalmouth at Wembley in the 1966 World Cup Final. Whereas previously it had shown him hitting it into the net to register his match winning hattrick.’

‘So?’

‘So, Matey, where did a tree suddenly sprout from at Wembley back then? Strange Phenomena Magazine set in motion processes involving hundreds of historians to discover why that was so and the threat it posed.’

‘Boll… I mean balderdash. I’m a historian and know others. None of us were consulted. Hundreds indeed!’

Kai Diamonde sniggered with a confidence born from knowledge.

‘Matey, a future time-traveller absent mindedly left Route 1066 promotional material at a scene they visited so we have access to their irresponsible stunts. It emerged that one future rich pillock considered it a wheeze to visit Jack The Ripper on the eve of his spate of atrocities in the Fall of 1888 and persuade him to instead enroll for a First-Aid course.’

‘Huh?’

‘Our research discovered that without Jack The Ripper there’d be nearly five million extra trees in this country as there would no longer be hundreds of books and articles speculating about his true identity. Crufts would descend into chaos with all the extra trees and dogs around, a nightmare combination. But worst of all, it meant the poor sods living those awfully hard lives in late-Victorian London suddenly found they would have to contend with a serial life-saver on the loose! So alerts were issued to prepare people for life with nearly five million more trees suddenly sprouting up.’

‘Alerts?’ Glen remarked. ‘I’ve never heard any.’

‘Alerts aren’t just dished out to the general public, Matey, It would cause mass panic.’

‘Oh, all very convenient. It’s total bollox.’

‘Then I shall let you in on a current alert,’ Kai smugly revealed. ‘Why do you think I switched the TV on? Take a good look at the tennis, now.’