Posted by GROUPIES DURING LOCKDOWN
Senior footballers have the same distractions to contend with as their much younger, star counterparts. Gambling and groupies being amongst them. I have previously mentioned about Southey’s book on which player will kick the bucket first, so I will explore the issue of what attracts groupies to walking/sort of running football.
Basically, I am of the opinion that women of a certain age make a beeline for senior footballers because we are displaying our prowess in public on a regular basis. Rather like our less cultivated fellow primate the gorilla will beat his chest to attract the female, we senior players, beat opponents, go into tackles, head balls walloped at 50 mph plus into the net and are active in the hunt for goals for over an hour. That is our display of masculinity. It definitely appeals to the ladies as a fair few of our peers can barely get off the sofa, experience issues with mobility or are already six feet under.
This was most pronounced during lockdown. We found, what we thought, was a secluded spot to play our games away from prying eyes, as we were flouting some of the rules. Set up portable goals and even had corner flags. But during one hot afternoon game, to differentiate between the two sides we had shirts v skins.
Previous games hadn’t attracted much in the way of spectators apart from the occasional dog walker. But the touchlines of our secluded spot was soon populated by the mature women of Winterbourne looking for an escape from the tedium of lockdown once they heard that beefcake was on view.
Quite a few comments of a sexual nature containing more innuendo than an episode of Are You Being Served were hurled our way rather conveying the impression that these women weren’t. It seemed strange, as one of the bare chested players, to be receiving plaudits about my body as opposed to my play.
I can honestly say that I didn’t sleep in my own bed for the next three nights. This was owing to being so fair skinned that my body caught too much of the sun, in that hour, and I couldn’t lay down at all due to the discomfort.
Jonty Morgan Humourist 