12 . DOG ENDS

Countdown To Oblivion

Professor Ian Rittle of The Astrological Institute of West Wales issued this dire warning about the world’s fate and called into question the need to have manhunts with its specific goal of reducing overpopulation.

‘An asteroid,’ his statement read, ‘is on a collision course with our planet. Full impact will be made on October 30, 2068 at 16:53.’

The author then provided this countdown:

COUNTDOWN TO OBLIVION

7 Years To Go

Chutch services become all ticket affairs and it becomes easier to get one’s child into Eton than to get them into Sunday School.

6 Years To Go

Manchester United quit the Premier League in favour of joining the new Universe League and announce their intention to play all their matches away from home.

5 Years To Go

Careers Officers feel their sense of self worth is depreciating with every passing day.

4 Years To Go

Alzheimer’s is cured. The following day pleas are made to reinvent it.

3 Years To Go

Fortune Tellers reduce their prices.

2 Years To Go

Due to increased anxiety levels, twenty becomes the new forty.

1 Year To Go

The ‘Rubble’ School of Architecture is in vogue as city planners look to the future.

11 Months To Go

Banks offer 1,000,000 percent interest to any investor willing to lock their savings away for a year.

8 Months To Go

Share prices involving Contraceptive Manufacturers plummet.

3 Months To Go

First life sentences handed down for non payment of Council Tax.

Less Than One Month To Go

.Chemists warn of world being susceptible to antibiotic resistant super bugs because patients can no longer take their full-course of prescribed medication.

1 Week To Go

BBC Asteroid Week commences.

4 Days To Go

Longest waiting list in NHS history reported for patients seeking hypnosis to send them back to a previous life and then keep them there.

Penultimate Day

Sydney Symphony Orchestra at The Royal Albert Hall, London 19:30 performing ‘The Last Night of the Poms’.

Final Day

Weather Forecast: After early morning mist clears will be a mild day with sunny periods and showers with soaring heat, hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis to follow later.

Murder, Treason and Arson now dealt with by on the spot fines.

The latest edition of The Oxford English Dictionary is published. It no longer includes an entry for the word ‘Tomorrow’.

Supermarket ‘Reduced To Clear’ shelf now extended to include the whole store.

Lifetime guarantees provided on socks, tights and stockings.

For the first time in its 108 year history ITV’s Coronation Street concludes an episode with all loose ends nicely tied up.

When asked to appear on TV to answer questions about his traumatic discovery Professor Rittle declined the invitation citing the fact he is now being hunted. He then admitted that his findings were a load of balls and he was giving society a taste of the same medicine that it had prescribed for him. A dose of the s##ts.