3. DOG ENDS

Overpopulation

This post will be deliberately overpopulated with words in keeping with the seriousness of the subject.

Something had to be done. The mere fact that when The Prime Minister, Sir Wakeman Trellis, delivered his governing party’s solution to the overpopulation problem to the nation live from Downing Street he needed to do so wearing a high-vis jacket so he could be picked out from the crowd spoke volumes.

Here are the other things he spoke of in that famous declaration:

~ Overcrowding in the UK getting so bad that if there was another pandemic necessitating that everyone adopt social distancing of two metres again, 38 million people would fall into the sea. Similarly, officials at the Department of Health had arrived at the horrific conclusion that if ten million women became pregnant in the UK at the same time, eight to nine months down the line 421,766 citizens would similarly become shark food.

~ The Government has investigated ways to utilize spaces previously not considered to house the excess but has hit metaphorical brick walls (an actual brick wall was also hit but that was because the official was distracted while driving).

~ It was considered a bad idea to start housing people in supermarkets because those located near the Reduced Section would find their property devalued.

~ It was thought that if a car mechanic moved into a church it could prove detrimental to the spiritual wellbeing of the community. For if a troubled parishioner should alight upon the home of God in search of support and enlightenment by means of a service, they would likely leave the sacred premises still ploughing a furrowed field but with new spark plugs, brake pads and an oil change.

~ Utilizing cricket pitches to construct residential dwellings would hamper the development of future English talent as batters would need to dispatch the ball to points of the field without smashing windows while bowlers might find their ability to hit the wicket impeded by a maisonette obscuring all but the off stump. It would also be a shame for schoolboy connoiseurs of the game who enjoy familiarising themselves with all the fielding positions in the hope that one day they’ll captain their village team. Instead, acquiring such knowledge would more likely stand them a better chance of getting a job as a postman on that estate.

~ The view of spectators would be obscured by the housing. This would lead to more stands being named after Sir Geoff Boycott and Chris Tavare as everything would appear to be blocked from there.

~ Batters reaching milestones of fifty or one hundred would be afraid to raise their bats to mark the achievement if a troubled estate is located there for fear of being charged with inciting a riot.

~ The only benefit to society with building houses on cricket pitches is that children who grew up there would at least know where the boundaries are.

~ Doctors’ surgeries were considered where consulting rooms would be shared between residents and GPs. But couples wouldn’t attend appointments anymore for fear that their knock upon the door would be ignored for fear that they were Jehovah’s Witnesses. Also, young people would suddenly become the major recipients of sick notes from geriatric residents unable to keep their kinky desires to themselves.

~ Theatres were looked at but it was thought to be a generally corrosive combination. For instance, it probably wouldn’t take long for the stage curtain to be replaced by venetian blinds, or for those living on the stage to complain of mass stalking once the audience are admitted on opening night. Furthermore, patrons in attendance who splash out for a plush Box for a regal view of the play will be dismayed to find it filled to the brim with the residents’ recycling.

GERALD KINNEY INVESTIGATES

This article first appeared in The Daily Despatch and was the first to suggest that the Government was working to a secret agenda to tackle overpopulation.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Mother, Mother

There’s too many of you crying

Brother, Brother, Brother

There’s far too many of you dying

So commences a Marvin Gaye classic song from 1971, composed by Gaye, Renaldo Benson and Alfred Cleveland. These lyrics provide a melodic driving force to my concerns. Some may consider me paranoid, others may endorse them but I hope everyone will ask the question that formed the title of Marvin Gaye’s hit record…. What’s Going On?

I’ve covered wars. Unmasked those guilty of misdemeanors in public office and delved into corners of drawers that should only be the province of spiders. I’ve brought them to the fore to be greeted with fanfares and a cacophony of noise as a million tongues join the ensuing debate.

This is a different animal. What I am about to impart usually meets with complete indifference. I have decided to go mainstream with this though I have little confidence that it will embolden anyone. The majority of you will probably shrug your shoulders. It will simply be a meh response. Some will even sport the vest of denial that no well aimed truth can ever hope to penetrate.

Ladies and gentlemen I will lay it upon you now. No beating about the bush, but too many of you are crying as there are far too many of you dying. And the Government are facilitating this. Indeed, bending over backwards to ensure that very outcome. Just as money becomes devalued when there is too much of it in circulation, so it seems overpopulation has had a similar depreciative impact upon our feelings towards the preservation of life.

Let’s take as an example, a popular Safari Park. This Safari Park some six months ago suddenly changed its admissions policy. Previously, its clientele arrived in cars and were encouraged to remain in them with windows firmly shut and doors locked as the grounds of the park were negotiated enabling the automobile’s occupants to safely observe wild beasts in something reminiscent of their natural habitats. But then, this policy was radically changed to pedestrian only access. *Whistle blowers at the park informed me that The Government actually provided a financial incentive to the park owners for each visitor they now got to enter the grounds on foot. Furthermore, an exploration of clothing sold on eBay by Friends of the Safari Park show they appear to hold a monopoly on attire featuring the Tiger Tooth Pattern and conversations with local butchers who supply the park reveal that orders for meat from there have been significantly reduced.

*Not to be confused with the many whistle-blowers now in the Safari Park. These are simply members of the public reassuringly  provided with a whistle to blow upon if they encounter danger on their walk around the grounds. Unfortunately, the whistles cannot be detected by the human ear as too high-pitched but do alert the ravenous, resident wolves of the presence of food served up in a variety of different clothing.

If pedestrian only safari parks haven’t convinced you as to the merits of my case perhaps the relaxation of strict rules that had once prohibited the use of dimmer switches on lighthouse gloves will illuminate the way, albeit with reduced power, or the implementation of schemes allowing swimming pool lifeguards to work from home.

How has it escaped public scrutiny that Derbyshire County Council has introduced cash incentives to encourage residents to put themselves out with the recycling. Or Hampshire County Council Roads Department’s idea to re-route part of the M3 so that it now encompasses the war torn streets of Beirut and Gaza. In a similar vein, why were the staff at Accrington Town Council allowed to relocate their One Stop Shop to Base Camp on Mount Everest without encountering a single objection?

I have collected countless examples of these flagrant abuses of our Health & Safety culture. It seems that Death & Danger has staged a bloodless coup against H&S. Otherwise how could Mrs Jill Hardwick be allowed to encourage her class of dieters based at Caerphilly College of Adult Education to contract beriberi, dysentry, lassa fever and other potentially fatal diseases to help them lose pounds fast or her husband, Gerry Hardwick to set his class of art pupils there the testing proposition of painting The Forth Railway Bridge without the use of safety harnesses. My enquiries have established that out of twenty-two pupils who engaged in this onerous task, seven fell to their deaths, three succumbed to the effects of exposure to the elements and, incredulously, out of the remaining dozen only one has requested to be transferred to the watercolour class.

It is this apathetic response to death that is enabling this Government to introduce a new barbaric sport in which men will be hunted by packs of hounds and the landed gentry upon their steeds instead of foxes. This is their dramatic solution to the problem of overcrowding as well as their laxity, highlighted in this article, in ensuring the public are safe from death and danger in their everyday lives as was once the aim of Government.

I cannot condone the…..

It was at this point that Gerald Kinney was throttled to death by an octopus. The esteemed investigative journalist becoming a victim of the recent relaxation in safety rules around the acquisition of ink which meant the source of it was no longer filtered from the process.

The following Government pamphlet was delivered through every letterbox in the United Kingdom (except letterboxes that weren’t connected to a front door such as brand new letterboxes on DIY store shelves):

MANHUNTS EXPLAINED

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE NEW BLOOD SPORT

INCLUDING PRACTICAL ADVICE AND NUMBERS TO CALL

PLEASE KEEP HANDY

1. WHAT YOU MIGHT SEE

Every street in the country is now a potential stage for the exciting conclusion of a new blood sport called Man-Hunting. This is the popular name for what was passed through Parliament under the name The Population Overspill Containment Sprucing and Culling Measures Dressed Up To Look Like A Sport Act 20–.

We are aware some people might find the experience of their shopping expedition on a Saturday afternoon being interrupted by harrowing screams as the teeth of bloodthirsty hounds are legitimately allowed to sink into the bodies of their prey but we hope that doesn’t spoil your fun or interfere with your ability to spot a bargain. For those likely to be traumatised by witnessing such events a helpline is available and details of how to access it appear later in this guide.

Out of courtesy to the public, as a stipulation of obtaining their licence to kill prey, the hunters will be obliged, whenever possible, to sound a warning bugle whenever they are on the close trail of their prey. This will allow parents plenty of time to escort their children away from the kill or for those of a sensitive nature to similarly find something to distract them while the blood, guts and gore start flowing at the scene of the butchery.

2. WHY MAN-HUNTS?

Man-hunts are the only solution to the overpopulation problem because they are scary. They need to be a frightening prospect for the ploy to work. Flights to Rwanda no longer achieve this end since Human Rights Legislation stopped us from deploying Edwardian aircraft. We needed something stark and scary to make people confront the overpopulation problem and adopt measures to tackle it. Plus, the death of each target reduces the population so it’s a win win situation, except for the poor sod mangled beyond recognition by the hounds.

Furthermore, it provides the opportunity for the elite to gain tremendous pleasure from running worthless members of the underclass into the ground and thence into a pulp. An enjoyable experience denied to them since the days of the Mill Owners before unionised labour gradually put paid to this avenue of fun.

Our Prime Minister Sir Wakeman Trellis has this to say:

‘Some say Man-Hunting is a barbaric sport. I vehemently disagree. It isn’t a sport at all it’s a necessity.’

3. HOW IT WORKS

Each licensed, official hunt in our nation will be allocated prey each week to locate, pester and hunt into oblivion. So that everyone eligible stands a fair and equal opportunity to be hunted, everyone’s National Insurance Number will be entered into a weekly lottery.

In pre-official hunt trials it was discovered that the shelf life of those selected was three days and fourteen hours. Admittedly, a fair few of those who volunteered to be hunted in the trials were suffering from low self-esteem and appeared to be doing so as a cheaper alternative than a trip to Switzerland.

4. EXEMPTIONS TO MAN-HUNTING

For the new sport to run smoothly and efficiently there will need to be exemptions to man-hunts. It stands to reason that the hunters themselves will have to be exempt. If the elite could become prey it would cause confusion to the hounds who wouldn’t know whether to wag their tails at establishment figures or voraciously tear into them. This would lead to anarchy and dysfunctional hunts and confidence in the pound on the worldwide markets would hit an all time low.

Of course, women and children will also be exempt. Currently, there are no plans to make anyone who identifies as a woman but possesses a penis exempt, although this could change if the first bite from the hounds deprives the prey of this qualifying appendage and hunt-masters have been briefed about this possibility and will call off their dogs if this comes to pass.

All key workers are obviously also exempt. If a person hunted hides behind a thick, locked door. Locksmiths will be essential to open up the barrier and allow the prey to meet their savage end. So bona fide key workers will have their NI numbers removed from the weekly draw.

5. PRACTICAL HELP

There is practical assistance for all those whose lives will now be affected by the commencement of the Man-Hunts.  There are, essentially, three areas of assistance available:

•Help if you’re a hunter.

•Help if you are selected to be hunted.

•Help if you happen to witness the bloody conclusion of a hunt.

HELP IF YOU ARE A HUNTER

There is financial assistance available if you are a hunter in the form of tax breaks. You no longer need to consider emigration if you earn a high-salary. If you are prepared to hunt those less fortunate than yourself you can hold on to most of your hard earned cash. (You can literally hold onto it while hunting if you so desire as due to the new polymer material that has replaced paper banknotes they are easier to clean should they become splashed by blood.)

The more deaths your hunt is responsible for the bigger the percentage reduction in tax you will pay. Each hunt fatality is incentivised. Contact HM Custom & Revenue Tax DEADuctions Dept for further details.

HELP IF YOU ARE CHOSEN TO BE HUNTED

Please, please, please don’t worry if you are selected to be hunted. Life is too short and yours has inevitably become incredibly shorter. Rest assured. There is help available:

•Grants For Trainers. To make Man-Hunts slightly fairer the Government awards anyone selected to be hunted a Trainers Grant. This can be exchanged for a pair of mid-range running shoes in any participating store. If the store doesn’t have your size in stock, the hunt will not commence until they have been replenished and yourself presented with them. The Government reserves the right to cancel your order if it is unlikely ever to be fulfilled such as you order a pair of size 97s to buy yourself time.

•The Assisted Hunters Scheme. If a person selected to be hunted can prove that they have difficulty walking a distance of more than 30 metres, there is a generous Government Grant available which enables them to receive assistance by means of being lifted and transported by strong individuals. This is commonly known as The Carry Grant. Not to be confused with the Cary Grant. Although, in both instances the recipient can be moved to tears. Although in the former not through any emotional reaction due to the quality of the actor’s empathetic role play but because the ones carrying the individual relay him not away from the hounds but towards them where he is subsequently torn to pieces.

•Help With Funeral Costs. The Government has kindly stepped in to remove some of the burden of worry from the shoulders  of relatives of those selected to be hunted. As far as the prospect of funeral costs are concerned let us, The Government, pick up the pieces. And let’s be quite frank here, there’s going to be lots of them after the hounds from Hell have finished their part in the process. *We will pay the whole funeral costs. This is a gesture unparalleled in its generosity anywhere else in the world.

*If someone selected to be hunted dies of natural  causes before the hunt gets to them, or dies by their own hand, this offer becomes null and void. We should, quite rightly, not be expected to pick up the tab for such miserable party pooping bleeders like that anyway.

HELP IF YOU WITNESS THE BLOODY CONCLUSION OF THE HUNT

The Man-Hunt Witness Helpline is available 24/7 for anyone who wishes to talk to our caring volunteers about what they have witnessed. The Helpline Number is available on the Government website and any strong similarities between that number and the phone numbers of tabloid journalists is purely coincidental.