20. DOG ENDS

A Grave Situation

News Item As It Appeared In The Rhondda Rocket:

FOOTBALL CLUB BREAKS ASSOCIATION

A Football Club in the Rhondda has broken all links with The School of Hunt Survival after it used its ground during the off-season to teach potential future hunt victims controversial survival techniques.

Rhydyfelin FC, who ironically play at The Dog Track, innocently hired out their ground believing it would be used to stage self-defence classes for the community. Instead, it became the base for the usually covert organisation to publicly display it’s hunt survival techniques attracting punters from all over Britain to the Welsh town.

The School of Hunt Survival principal Hector Pinder-Lang expressed his disappointment at the decision of the football club to terminate the deal as of immediate effect, especially as the pupils congregated there were close to graduating with BA hounds.

‘Learning that,’ he explained, ‘is the pinnacle of our hunt survival techniques. It’s the humdinger we save until last. Pity our pupils won’t get to learn it now on this particular course, but hopefully there will be others and they’ll have learned enough to keep breathing if ever they get selected to be hunted.’

The BA hounds Degree part of the course is the one that has drawn the most criticism and has led to calls for the organisation to be banned. For it involves learning how to hack into Britain’s Missile Defence Programme to redirect these lethal weapons towards canine targets. Hence the title of the short degree course Blast Away hounds. Already, in the fourteen months the course has been running it has been reported that on at least nine separate occasions, the British Army have checked these long range missiles and found them no longer pointing towards targets in Russia, China and North Korea but directed instead at Milo’s Hunting Kennels in East Grinstead, Sussex.

Other techniques taught to potential hunt prey via the school have drawn the ire of communities throughout Britain most notably the one that shows hunt victims how to survive in a cemetery by using their surroundings against their nemesis.

‘Cemeteries contain a mass of buried bones,’ Pinder-Lang explained, ‘the combination of that and dogs can make it very easy for our four legged hunting friends to get their priorities wrong. So we always advise our pupils to make a beeline for the graveyard.’

The School of Hunt Survival principal is being rather candid there, for his punters are also taught how to dig up corpses and use them as decoys to confuse those hunting them. This tactic has really upset a lot of the public as evidenced by this reaction from someone who wishes to be anonymous in Pontypridd.

‘I was greatly alarmed and disgusted, quite frankly, to discover that my Uncle, who was supposedly resting in peace these last six years, has been more active in the past three months than he ever was in the last decade of his life!’

Pinder-Lang denied that his school, with it’s total disregard and respect for those who have been laid to rest benefits from a commission each time someone chooses to be cremated instead.

‘That’s rubbish,’ he retorted, ‘we don’t distinguish. In another technique we show how to deploy the ashes of a loved one to disorientate the hounds chasing you by throwing it in their eyes.’