12.WHEN SATURDAY’S GONE By Jonaldo.

Advice from A Walking Footballer

‘A typical Jonaldo goal’. This is a term regularly used in exasperation by John South while in the opposition defence after I have breached it. He means that I am always in the right place at the right time. Although, this natural instinct doesn’t extend itself to supermarkets, where I always seem to choose the wrong queue to join at the checkouts.

Gary Linekar and currently Erling Haaland, no doubt, encountered this sort of envy as they racked up their impressive goal tallies.

John Lord, our solid and dependable defender, calls me ‘sniffer’ as I have a nose for being able to scent a chance. My partner simply says that I am a goalhanger which is ludicrous as I only tend to enter the box to administer the deadly blow.

My partner is assuming the role of the slave who used to accompany Roman Generals in their chariot when they received the plaudits on a Triumph through the streets of Ancient Rome. The slave’s presence was designed to keep the hero humble.

I have scored some corking goals too, particulary with diving headers. Some have reminded me of Allan Clarke’s winning goal in the 1972 FA Cup Final. Little did I know when I watched that with awe as a child that I would be scoring goals of equal brilliance like that fifty plus years on, and that like him I would rejoice in the nickname “Sniffer”.